First off, I know it’s been a while! And I say this every single time I write but it’s my blog and I can do whatever I want. Secondly, shout out to the guy that said he wanted a follow up to my Passangers review, gonna be honest say that’s probably not going to happen cause too much time has passed since I’ve seen the movie and I really don’t want to watch it again.
So tonight, I got rejected. Rejection happens to everyone (yes, including me. Who could resist me!). I had gone a date with this person and said we should have a second date. At the time she agreed so I tried to set up a dinner date (where I would cook) and in return I got a message saying she wasn’t feeling the whole dating thing and she hopes everything in my life goes well. Lovely message, pretty civil. My heart sank when I read it. I had already planned the night in my head and to hear that it wasn’t going to happen shocked my world. How could someone I barely know (who barely knows me) reject my awesome dinner idea? She wasn’t going to the plan I had already set out for her. She wasn’t following the script! Please be aware of the sarcasm. After a long conversation with my parents I realized some stuff…
First off, it is okay to be sad that something didn’t work out with someone even if you didn’t really know them. I was sad from the expectations and not her. Secondly, you should recognize a blessing in disguise. I was so determined to make this work (I’ll explain why I was trying so hard later) that I totally missed red flags. I missed the fact that she flaked on me at one point without an explanation and wouldn’t give me an explanation until I asked. I missed that we very much didn’t have much in common to begin with (she was really hot, so I was kinda blind to this fact). I missed the fact that she had just gotten out a serious relationship not too long ago. And I missed the biggest red flag of all, when she wanted to have sex and I told her “No” she then wanted to go home. That last should conjure an audible gasp that I would allow something like that slide. I was desperate to be in an intimate relationship and having a nice face alone sold it for me. But why was I so desperate?
Well here comes the explanation about why I was so determined to make things work. Let’s go back one layer, I was dumped over the summer. It was only a four month relationship but I refused to cry over the loss of this person. I’m graduating college rather soon (like in 2 months) and I don’t have a secure job set. Last year, I was forced to cut off contact with an ex who I had been in a relationship with for 2 years. What does all this have to do with the other? I have refused to process anything that was going on these situations. I quickly tried to move on with my ex of 2 years, I quickly tried to move on with my ex of 4 months, I quickly tried to create structure in my life knowing my future is very uncertain in the coming months. I internalized everything and have essentially been screwing myself over trying to make up for all the things I haven’t processed.
I can physically feel my life losing control, day by day and I am desperate to find stability again. I want stability like I had in my 2 year relationship to the point where I am trying to push my other relationships forward at lightening speed in order to get that feeling of security back. I am trying to rush a job that I am not even sure I really want so I can have security in my future. I tried to rush through college so I could have stability in a career I didn’t even have yet. I am facing rejection left and right because people can sense my intensity. This is a shitty feeling.
I mean, I do understand that I am not all at fault with the relationship aspect of my problems. People have their own rights and can whatever they want and if having dinner at someone’s house is too intimate for you then I can’t help you (who gives up free food? I mean have your priorities set!). But this stems from my perfectionist personality and desires to be in control of everything. I am coming to realize that I have no control over anything and it’s difficult. I cursed the entire month of September as being bad luck because I faced so much rejection and uncertainty; now that I am in October, and these problems keep arising, I have to come to the realization that months are not autonomous and that these things that keep happening over and over can be self-inflicted.
So now I have a new self project – going back to square one and understanding the world will work the way it needs to and I don’t have control over that. It’s time I take (another) step back from dating and reassess my goals and priorities. It’s time I allow myself closure for things that will never truly have an end. It’s time I process my emotions and allow myself to feel them. Finally, it’s time for me to relax and trust the process. No more rushing into things or chasing time. My goals are to take a step back from social media, take a step back from dating, rediscover hobbies (or develop new ones), focus on friendships, make peace with my past, find excitement in my future (rather than dread), and accept the things that are out of my control. I must work toward building my confidence again to the point where rejection doesn’t give me into an epiphany where I’m forced to write down my feelings in order to sleep tonight. Rejection happens to everyone and it will continue to happen, but I am proud of how I directly responded to it. I am proud of myself for getting to where I am at and I am already proud of where I will be. I just have to remember that I am worth more and deserve better (something an ex said to me which I know understand fully).
If you feel like you are internalizing things or notice you keep making the same mistake then step back and ask why. Ask yourself what you want and where you are going and don’t be afraid to go for it. I want a real relationship and I will not settle with the hook-up culture around me. What do you want?