Two years (almost to the date) I wrote about my new years resolutions and what had happened in 2014. It is surreal to go back and read myself again. I sounded so naive and innocent yet hopeful. I look back on that time and I feel negative energy yet reading my writing actually made me miss the way I used to be. Maybe I was writing from a censored point of view since my ex would read my writings. What I wrote and how I felt certainly didn’t match up because I was actually miserable in my relationship at the time. So I feel it’s only right for me to recap again so that I may come back to this blog in another two years and talk about how naive and innocent I am in this moment.
2015, all i can remember from that year was the complete downward spiral into depression and my first big break up. It killed me. From August to December I was all over the place emotionally. It’s a shame, in retrospect, that I let someone like that take away my happiness for so long and cause me to associate that time of my life with bad memories. Although I did start to date other people and, honestly, that break up ultimately liberated me. I am glad I went through it and I just wish I could go back in time and tell my former self that the pain I am feeling isn’t real that you will learn to be happy again without being in a relationship (it just may take a couple more bad relationships to accept this).
2016, started out rough and I ended up celebrating a club for 18+. It was okay, but it idk it just didn’t feel right for me yet. All of 2016 was a rollercoaster. I had to completely cut off ties with my ex and I started the long hard journey to self-discovery. I really wanted to work on myself so I had to take the first steps. This led me to an incredible internship with the video production team for my university and I get to film and work with the Pac-12 broadcast team and be on the field and court for sporting events. On top of that I decided I was going to focus on friends instead of relationships and I am actually having connections with people on a platonic level for the first time in a long time.
I actually want to go out and have fun now, I want to invite people over to watch movies, I want to talk to people instead of sit in my room and wait for my life to get better. I’m actually making my life better. I told myself in 2015 I was going to work on myself and in 2017 I am entering the new year, having felt like I am actually completing that promise.
I can’t say that I feel like my old self again. I don’t want to feel like the way I did before. I was angry, miserable, alone, and I didn’t know how to articulate my thoughts properly. I didn’t want to admit that I couldn’t do life on my own and I still struggle with that. I still feel lonely and I do still think being in a relationship will enrich my life but I know that in the moments where I am being tested the most is the moments that I need to remember. I may be sitting in my room without a call or text from a friend, but I know that this is only a passing moment.
I don’t claim to be completely healed or in the right mindset all the time. Hell, I don’t even claim to really believe in the words I wrote above, but I have to say them. I have to keep setting goals for myself. I have to write words that I feel uncomfortable writing because that lets me know what I need to work on. I got the ball rolling and I don’t want it to stop. And I believe in that.