Transporting to a paradise

I have not written in a while. It seems like I only come here to purge rather than offer any profound insight into anything. This blog has turned into a last resort for when I have nowhere else to go.

There’s something oddly comforting knowing that my words are public. I could end up embarrassing myself on here but that’s not something I really worry about. This is a safe space for me to figure out what’s going through my mind.

What’s going through my mind?

Well first I’ve found a gorgeous song titled Fantasy by Alina Baraz. The only way I can describe what this song does to me is it sends me to the paradise that I didn’t know was tucked away in my head. The amount of good vibes I feel is incredible and it made me realize I wasn’t that happy until I actually felt bliss. The singer’s voice sounds like what I imagine teal and gold would sound like if they were transformed into music. Does that make sense? I sometimes imagine what colors and combinations would sound like; it’s something that I didn’t know that I did until I heard certain songs and imagined color combinations. The song evokes the image a roman paradise with teal water, gold robes and trinkets, with a vibrant sky filled with purples and green undertones. The amount of analysis I put into the song may be a little ridiculous but finding that one song that sends chills down your spine is a rarity. I’ve listened to such a depth that I can actually hear the paradise within the song. Soft whispers of birds chirping, the gentle roar of waves crashing against the sand, pure bliss. The moment the song starts you realize you are no longer in your surroundings, you have been transported to another land where your problems just don’t matter. I’d love to share this vision with someone.

Why I like the song is because it takes me away from my reality. It’s not that my reality is bad (better than most), but I still want the stress to be released and the harmful thoughts to silence themselves. I’m not going to go into depth about what is driving me up the wall, all I know is that the littlest things can be blown out of proportion.

I’m a thinker and a problem-solver and a strategist, big time. I try to figure out my next three moves before it’s even my turn. This generally translates into: You did something a little out of character and now I’m going to analyze every minute detail until I come to the conclusion that you hate me. I find it interesting that my mind never allows for things to end on a happy note, someone is always out to get me. Someone is always looking to dethrone me. I have managed to put myself on such a high pedal-stool that I continue to think that someone is trying to take my position (A position I don’t even really possess). I fear the worst all the time and yet I am never prepared for when the worst happens. I think that if I build myself up and brace myself then maybe it won’t hurt as much but it always does. The few times when I hate being right.

I always wonder if I’m stressed 24/7 yet I’m so used to it that I can’t even tell. I don’t know what use that information would do for me considering that I have no idea how to relax. I am always on edge yet I have learned to keep a calm composure. My face reads like a slate yet my insides are torn up.

I don’t really have much to say tonight. The motivation has left me suddenly. I’ll try again tomorrow but for tonight this is what I have to say.

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New Year, New Me (Probably not)

Cliche title! That’s my new year resolution, to become a cliche. Not really, it’s actually to give up on soda for a year and take better care of myself (mainly with beauty products).

So it’s a been a while since I’ve last made a post so here’s to the first post of 2015! I totally meant to write sooner (honest), but the motivation kinda went away. My best writing and ideas come at around 1-2 am when I’m sleep deprived. But I’m too lazy to write so there goes that hope. At this hour I am filled with so much emotion I can barely contain. My mind races and my stomach becomes a butterfly habitat. Writing is the only thing that makes me calm again. So since the beginning of school I’ve been writing every day (with the exception of breaks) and I think it’s why I sleep so well at night.

BUT before I go into anymore 2015 stuff, lets take a look back at 2014. The year started off with my first New Year’s Eve kiss which I’ve always wanted. I graduated high school, discovered a ton of awesome tracks, got into a very minor car accident (I tapped the bumper and there was ZERO damage done but the lady still complained and jacked up our insurance so that’s great), committed to the University of Oregon and ultimately attended in September. I made this little blog you are reading here and the staff posted a prompt that I had made about the 7 deadly sins (Still a highlight), I experienced what it truly felt like to miss someone, realized just how great private bathrooms are, signed the lease to my new apartment for next year, and before the year vowed I was going to make this year different.

This year is all about doing what makes me feel good, saying what needs to be said, and taking time out of my day to just listen to the words of songs. I’ve gone to the gym already (the school did a complete remodel and it is unbelievable), stayed true to my no soda policy, and I’ve started expressing how I really feel about subjects. OH and have an internship for an environmental magazine! So far so good (and okay). This term the teachers seem really nice and I’m confident I’ll do well. Trying to stay positive

But can I be real for a moment? Love is a battle. I thought I would be immune to it and thought I had the skills to make any situation better but I was wrong. No amount of fake fights, that I made up in my mind, could prepare me for the real battle. I’ve been watching too much Office and seeing Jim and Pam have problems scared me because it made me realize that life is not some TV show where the perfect characters never fight and are happy 24/7. Even people who are meant for each other can have their ups and downs. I feel a little defeated and just the fact there is nothing I can do from afar just really gets to me. I’m the controlling type, I like to make things work out so I don’t end up broken hearted anymore. However, when I thought I was helping I just ended up making things worse and I think I need a break. I just need to not say anything for a while and wait for time to fix my mess like it always does. I’m just mad at myself. I don’t know…it’s out of my hands at this point and I’m not going to make the moves anymore and just sit back. Sit back and just breath and learn to be easy again. So I may do some yoga and soul searching, hopefully I come out better.

Peace

Falling

Hello again, it’s been a long time since I’ve written last…I seem to be saying that a lot.

It’s not that I’m too busy (well I am), I just have not found the motivation. I only write whenever I have something to write about but for the past few weeks I haven’t found something to write about. Obviously I’ve found my voice again because here I am. Just a heads up, this isn’t going to be a feel good post. I have not been very optimistic lately so no revelations this time around (maybe some other time).

So college life, I am very well prepared for it. Going to a college prep school really did the job because my classes this term aren’t that difficult to me (at the moment) and I am fairly confident in my ability to pass my classes. However, things are starting to wind down as we exit “dead week” and finals are just around the corner. I did most of my work just before I went on thanksgiving break so I have quite a bit of free time these days. Our GTF (Graduate Teaching Fellows) faulty is striking at the moment and with three of my classes being taught by a GTF I haven’t had those classes all week. So I find myself with no work, no class, and no worries. This is a problem. Just a big heads up I’m going to jump around a lot in this post because I have a lot on my mind at the moment (bare with me, I’ll try to keep it organized). In order to pass the time I’ve decided to watch a boatload of Netflix, mainly The Office. It’s so easy to get emotionally invested in TV shows to the point where you prefer this fantasy world over reality. It didn’t hit me until a few moments ago when the episode stopped and all I heard was silence. I am all alone in a dark room, and I feel lonely. Well I assume this is what loneliness feels like, to be honest I don’t feel anything. I really do not have any emotions in my body other than the internal struggle to keep myself from slipping into depression.

The only way I can describe what it feels like is it’s a battle. A silent battle but nonetheless I still feel a struggle. I don’t remember when it started but I kinda want to give up. I just want to give up and let myself fall just to feel something. I imagine myself floating on the surface of the ocean, with the sun beating down, while keeping a steady rhythm of kicking my feet. Your feet get tired and you start to forget why you’re trying to stay afloat. You wonder what would happen if you stopped kicking just for a moment, you are confident that if you sink you can just swim back to surface again. You ache for a rest, even for a moment, so you stop kicking. You stay floating for a minute and think you’ll be okay, but you feel your feet getting cold as the rays of the sun are no longer able to kiss the surface of your skin. The water envelopes your legs as it cascades of your stomach. You know you’re sinking but you figure you have more time to rest before starting the struggle again. The water level reaches to the very ends of your hairline and over your ears, leaving you with the sounds of nothing but the abyss. You notice how peaceful it is and how loud it was on the surface. You decide you like the silence and wish to listen to it a little more before splashing exchanges with the calm. The water reaches the corners of your eyes and you close them. You do not panic, this is familiar and you know you can reach the surface again. You take one final breath and relax every muscle in your body. You sink and the sea claims your entire body you open your eyes and the sun shining through the water. The spot where you were will still be there when you decide to fight again…if you decide to fight again. For the moment you just enjoy the calm and let go…

So a general idea of what depression feels like for me. The movies give it this whole fit of being hysterical and never ending tears, and this can be true for some but not me. My depression is not sadness, it’s nothingness. It’s feeling of being extremely bored with life and death. It’s the thought that you will run out of things to do in your lifetime and then what? It’s the uncertainty of what death will look like and if there is a heaven, what can keep me satisfied for all eternity. It’s the desire to travel the stars and galaxies to find more meaning in this life. It’s the wonder of maybe my heaven is traveling the universe and others if they exist. It’s wanting to see new colors, and new species, new lives, new stories, being a new person.

Well I was going to write about more, but I kinda got carried away with the descriptions…I just really like creating a picture in people’s heads, sue me. I guess I’ll sign off for the night.

Peace

The Weight of Living

Words hold such weight for me. They mean so much to me. They are my sword.

I enjoy writing because out of all the talents in this world, I only have my writing skills. I can not draw, sing, or dance, all I have are my words. I hang such a great deal of weight on words that when I’m writing if I don’t mean something that I’m writing then I will not write it. If I’m tumblr and I see a post that I like (that involves some type of writing), but I do not 100% agree then I won’t reblog it. This may seem like a simple concept, you don’t like something then don’t reblog it, but to mean it means a lot. A post could say “I want to run away from it all”, and I would agree but I don’t feel 100% that way. I don’t like running away from my problems because everywhere you go you’re still you. So I will not promote the notion that running away will solve anything in life because it won’t. I take responsibility for my blog and I take responsibility with my words. I think very carefully about them. I am constantly erasing and retyping on my posts because I want anyone who reads my posts to know what I am saying exactly from my point of view.

Words hold such weight to everyone. They do hurt, they do lift you up, they can make you cry, they can make you laugh. If you think about it, your life is dictated by a bunch of clicks and sounds that you put meaning to. If someone in another language insulted you you would never know, or care because those sounds do not hold meaning to you, but if someone were to speak a language that you do understand and they insulted you… Words hold such meaning that your mood can change in an instant. Your brain will send hormones to change how you feel, think about that…these words will register in your mind and it can change the chemical balance in your mind. That’s a lethal, it’s no wonder bullying is such a big issue. Words can hurt you and they do and they can change how you see yourself. This is why I love writing so much. Sure you can move people through art but with writing or speaking in general you can control people. People become a puppet and you the puppeteer. That’s a lot of power…and I actually enjoy the idea of me being in control. Of course, I would rather not use my words to break people but just the idea that I can brings a sinister smile to my face. ( just a heads up I am an INTJ personality type and their nickname is the Mastermind so…this thinking isn’t unusual)

well that’s all today, just a short little thought bubble I had today and feel necessary to speak about.

A Horse named Nostalgia

Hello yes, I’m back

It’s not that I’ve been overly busy (although this week is a little hectic) I just haven’t found the motivation or inspiration to write something. I could just write about what I do all day but I like my writings to have a little more substance. I like to leave whoever  may stumble upon my blog to get inside my head. I like being completely open and honest in my writings, the more honest the purer the writings. This is where my problem comes in, nothing has happened in my life that has inspired me to have a strong opinion. I enjoy writing but not when I have nothing to say. Nothing to say until NOW…

Halloween. It’s a fitting post for a fitting time. Halloween used to be my favorite holiday, it was so magical to me. Halloween had this vibe that came with Disney movies, bitter cold, leaves falling, the smell of apple pie candles, it was so exciting to me. When did the magic go away? Somewhere in there I no longer went trick or treating and I started seeing the monsters as people in a costume. “Scary movies” like Tower of Terror and Don’t Look Under the Bed turned into real scary movies like Paranormal Activity and The Conjuring. One day Halloween became too real. I grew up and my excitement and wonder and the vibe for the holiday went with my childhood. I stopped watching Disney Channel and no longer trick or treated. I just sat at home and watched ghost shows eating the trick or treat candy by myself in the dark. I think in this moment I realized I was growing up and how I didn’t want to. I say I like Halloween but what I really like is the memories. I like being nostalgic and seeing the little kids come by with the same wonder and amazement I had. One day, they too will wake up and realize holidays are just a day off of work or a day for overtime.

Patterns

There are a lot of common themes I’ve noticed about myself (and have been reflected in my writing): escapism, anxiety, and fear.

I written about these three things before but I’m going to combine them in this special late night anxiety filled post.

It’s almost midnight, I have class in the morning (a quiz to be specific) and I tried to rest my head but all that happened was the usual butterflies and racing thoughts. There are always tell tale signs that you’re about to have a rough night and the pit in your stomach along with the rest mind are usually the symptoms. Why mine are present is because I just noticed a pattern I do. I escape from reality whenever I don’t want to face my reality. What am I escaping? The fact that I’m in an unfamiliar place, alone, friendless, and the fear that I’ve made a huge mistake coming to this university.

It’s a little over a week and half since I’ve been here and I’m expecting so much. Everyone talks about the “college experience”, but all that’s happened to me is watching everyone else around me make friends and go out and have fun. How do you make friends in college? Clubs have only just started up and I’ve gone to one club meeting for photojournalism and I didn’t feel like I belonged. All I want is just a friend (besides my roommate) who I can eat with, go out on the weekends with, workout with, talk with, just make this transition a little less lonely for me. I know I’m trouble because long ago I used to make up fantasy worlds and day dream my life away. I figured reality wasn’t good enough so I was going to make the life I envisioned for myself and I did just that. Popped in my headphones and I was miles away from my current situation. I was stuck in this world for hours and I just wasted the days away like hoping that one day something or someone would show me reality could be worth it. I escaped because at least in my mind I had friends, people who always wanted me around, and the dream career. I became so caught up in this world that I even created drama to make it seem as real as possible and boy did it work! After just a few months of doing this I lost touch with reality. My everyday life just seemed like one long commercial but my fantasy world was the feature presentation. I would wait all day to get away and it sort of became an addiction. It got so bad that I would escape earlier and earlier until I woke up in my fantasy world and stayed in that state all day. It’s no surprise that I can’t remember what happened in real life in that part of my life, it’s a wonder that I was even able to do homework.

It’s not that my life was really bad or anything it’s just that it wasn’t like the TV shows. I compared myself to scripts because I thought that was what the average person went through. If I didn’t match up then I felt inadequate and figured if I couldn’t live the dream life then I was going to make up the dream life and live there instead. I loved it there. I had a partner (I always envisioned her as a dark mass because I didn’t want to set standards for my real future partner. I didn’t even give her a name), I had a job I loved (Movie industry), awesome friends that invited me to parties (celebrities), and a wonderful home (house upon a hill that had a stunning view of the city below, or ocean [depended on my mood]). They always waited for me to return and were welcoming when I did. This was really unhealthy but I didn’t care it was better than my boring old life. The funny thing was, the only thing that took me away from that world to this one was when my real life became so hectic and dramatic that it blew any drama, that I had created in my fantasy life, away.

If you can’t tell by now I’m a dramatic girl. I need crazy. I need stimulation. If my life falls into a routine I lose my mind (this has been proven). It’s not something I do conscientiously that’s just how I am. I mean I’ve gotten a lot better than what I used to do (purposely create drama). But the reason I brought up this long story is because I feel myself falling into that state again. It’s not something I was looking for but I just noticed it happening tonight. I have been into fanfic lately because my show is on hiatus currently and because I’ve been missing my girlfriend and my otp reminds me of us. It’s a coping mechanism. But tonight, I got so wrapped up in what I was reading that I forgot where I was, who I was, all that mattered were the words on my computer. When I was snapped back I felt so empty inside… I thought back and realized I have been escaping into my thoughts again, but with little scenarios and stuff, nothing too big… yet.  This worries me because I don’t want to revert back to my old ways. I had to take a good look as to why I do this and it’s simple, coping mechanism. I can’t cope with the reality that I’m in college and friendless and now an adult. I realized something wasn’t right when my sense of reality was off. It wasn’t hitting me that I was in college and I found that strange. It isn’t hitting me that now I have to do things for myself. It isn’t hitting me that friends won’t fall into my lap like they usually do, I have to actually be social. Nothing was hitting me because I had a firewall up blocking any feeling other than surrealism. I was waking up in tunnel vision and riding my bike with one goal in mind, get to class. All I ever think about is get to my next class, eat, then home. And I did just that! I’m so used to the structured life that schools teach you that when I was thrown into an environment that had no structure I just went into autopilot. I did what I knew and hoped things would work themselves out later.

Oh fear! I forgot to talk about that, I fear I have enrolled into the wrong college. I think this because I’m not fitting in with the people here yet. I haven’t found my click and aside from the fact that the people here are really nice, the weather has been pleasant, and there’s plenty to do if you look, I still feel trapped. I think I’m getting cabin fever from being in my dorm, but I get the sense that there isn’t any life outside of school for some reason. If I were to envision a map of the area all I would put on it is the school. I kinda regret not choosing a school with a big city nearby but then again I had the option and something about Oregon drew me here. The academics and people are fine, it’s just me…The saying does go, everywhere you go there you are. Well here I am, now what?

Non-comformative people are my favorite people and other late night ramblings

Hey! guess who decided to eat ice cream when she knew it was going to keep her awake? yep, this chick.

My thoughts are keeping me awake and I’m trying to type lightly so my roommate doesn’t wake up and yell at me. Of course, part of the reason I’m awake is because she as snoring but…

I kinda like how we have this respected silent agreement not to ask each other’s tumblr names cause if she found mine that would lead to my WordPress and that would’t be good.

Let’s talk about crushes for a minute because a friend of mine confided in me about a crush she had and that’s been on my mind lately. And maybe I’ll bitch about the wonders of having a roommate.

So this friend says she’s in love with someone who can never reciprocate that love and it’s got me thinking…what’s the difference between a really bad crush or falling in love with someone? I’ve done it before. I claimed that my coming out girl crush was actually me in love with my best friend, but even today I still debate on whether or not it was love or infatuation. I cared about this girl and would put my life on the line for her at the time, but much of my love was selfish. I never wanted her to be happy with anyone else but me. I purposely sabotaged her relationships so she would be single and hopefully settle to date me. No it wasn’t love, I wasn’t in love…I was in love with the idea of being in love. She was clearly toxic for me and yet I ignored that in the hopes that she would be my first kiss. 8th grade me saw that if I didn’t get kissed now no one would ever want me. yeah, times were simpler…and it was that mindset that caused me to kiss the first guy that offered and I regret it…

I’ve got to say though when she rejected my feelings I physically felt my heartbreak. Not only did I get rejected and have my self-esteem crushed, I just lost my best friend and was going to another school where I didn’t know anyone. A lot was happening that summer and being alone didn’t help. I cried day and night over her, I cried in the closet (no joke), I took soul searching walks, pondered the meaning of life. I was a deep 8th grader. And to this day I still wonder if that was my first heartbreak. The saying goes that your first heartbreak is always the worst and I gotta say that was pretty bad. Even listening to some of the songs I played during that time in my life I can still imagine myself crying my self to sleep with an empty feeling inside of me. My parents noticed this change and when I finally asked why am I crying over her so hard they said something I’ll never forget. It hurts because there was no closure. And that sentence actually helped me. It all suddenly made sense. It’s like an unfinished math problem, or test. We never got to end on a positive note, or fade away from each other, it just ended abruptly. And to this day any type of relationship that I find myself thinking about is because there was no formal closure. It just stopped and it hurts. It’s like being ignored, no one likes that feeling because in an instant someone has made you feel like you don’t matter.

I mean I’m sure there was some hints of love in my actions for this girl (for God’s sake, I cried in the middle of class because she wasn’t talking to me and had to leave school on several occasions because I was so emotionally unstable), but compared to what I have now, it doesn’t compare. I can now decipher love from infatuation because I’ve felt the difference. And if what I’m feeling for my current girlfriend now isn’t love then I say fuck you. I don’t need your definitions to describe the words in my heart.

Why I’m thinking so much about my friend is for a couple of reasons, what she’s going through reminds me of myself, and I like talking about homosexual issues because I’m so sick and tired of hearing about heterosexual problems. Like I get really excited about sexuality because I see how fluid it is in people. Sexuality is of human construction. Straight and gay do not exist. No one person can be one way all the time. You can like men but also find yourself emotionally or intellectually attracted to women and vice versa. For me personally, I don’t hate men (at times I even wish I was one), I wish I had guy friends. Hell I can even appreciate a nice male body. But the fact of the matter is, I could never be sexual with one, or emotionally attached because I don’t care about men in a romantic way. Chemicals in my brain just won’t allow for it. Trust me, I kissed a guy before and was immediately filled with malice for some reason, I physically can not handle it. But sexuality flows within us, they are not concrete walls that say STRAIGHT or GAY. It’s a river that says homoromantic, but heterosexual, or biromantic and homosexual, or even homoromatic but asexual. You can be whatever sexuality you want to be and you don’t have to conform to the traditional labels and I think that’s beautiful. AND BEFORE I GET CHEWED OUT I’M JUST GOING TO NAME OFF ALL THE SEXUAL ORIENTATIONS SO NO ONE FEELS LEFT OUT: Homosexual, Bisexual, Pansexual, Asexual, Queer, Transgendered, Demisexual, Heterosexual, Genderqueer, Androgynous, and Fucking Questioning. So yeah, I like talking to people who don’t fit in with the social norms.

It’s now 1:42 AM so I’m going to go to bed, byeeee

A place to hear first world problems, hypocrisy, complaints, and self discovery. unedited and uncut, every spelling error, grammar mistake, and curse word is written and never reviewed