Hello again, it’s been a long time since I’ve written last…I seem to be saying that a lot.
It’s not that I’m too busy (well I am), I just have not found the motivation. I only write whenever I have something to write about but for the past few weeks I haven’t found something to write about. Obviously I’ve found my voice again because here I am. Just a heads up, this isn’t going to be a feel good post. I have not been very optimistic lately so no revelations this time around (maybe some other time).
So college life, I am very well prepared for it. Going to a college prep school really did the job because my classes this term aren’t that difficult to me (at the moment) and I am fairly confident in my ability to pass my classes. However, things are starting to wind down as we exit “dead week” and finals are just around the corner. I did most of my work just before I went on thanksgiving break so I have quite a bit of free time these days. Our GTF (Graduate Teaching Fellows) faulty is striking at the moment and with three of my classes being taught by a GTF I haven’t had those classes all week. So I find myself with no work, no class, and no worries. This is a problem. Just a big heads up I’m going to jump around a lot in this post because I have a lot on my mind at the moment (bare with me, I’ll try to keep it organized). In order to pass the time I’ve decided to watch a boatload of Netflix, mainly The Office. It’s so easy to get emotionally invested in TV shows to the point where you prefer this fantasy world over reality. It didn’t hit me until a few moments ago when the episode stopped and all I heard was silence. I am all alone in a dark room, and I feel lonely. Well I assume this is what loneliness feels like, to be honest I don’t feel anything. I really do not have any emotions in my body other than the internal struggle to keep myself from slipping into depression.
The only way I can describe what it feels like is it’s a battle. A silent battle but nonetheless I still feel a struggle. I don’t remember when it started but I kinda want to give up. I just want to give up and let myself fall just to feel something. I imagine myself floating on the surface of the ocean, with the sun beating down, while keeping a steady rhythm of kicking my feet. Your feet get tired and you start to forget why you’re trying to stay afloat. You wonder what would happen if you stopped kicking just for a moment, you are confident that if you sink you can just swim back to surface again. You ache for a rest, even for a moment, so you stop kicking. You stay floating for a minute and think you’ll be okay, but you feel your feet getting cold as the rays of the sun are no longer able to kiss the surface of your skin. The water envelopes your legs as it cascades of your stomach. You know you’re sinking but you figure you have more time to rest before starting the struggle again. The water level reaches to the very ends of your hairline and over your ears, leaving you with the sounds of nothing but the abyss. You notice how peaceful it is and how loud it was on the surface. You decide you like the silence and wish to listen to it a little more before splashing exchanges with the calm. The water reaches the corners of your eyes and you close them. You do not panic, this is familiar and you know you can reach the surface again. You take one final breath and relax every muscle in your body. You sink and the sea claims your entire body you open your eyes and the sun shining through the water. The spot where you were will still be there when you decide to fight again…if you decide to fight again. For the moment you just enjoy the calm and let go…
So a general idea of what depression feels like for me. The movies give it this whole fit of being hysterical and never ending tears, and this can be true for some but not me. My depression is not sadness, it’s nothingness. It’s feeling of being extremely bored with life and death. It’s the thought that you will run out of things to do in your lifetime and then what? It’s the uncertainty of what death will look like and if there is a heaven, what can keep me satisfied for all eternity. It’s the desire to travel the stars and galaxies to find more meaning in this life. It’s the wonder of maybe my heaven is traveling the universe and others if they exist. It’s wanting to see new colors, and new species, new lives, new stories, being a new person.
Well I was going to write about more, but I kinda got carried away with the descriptions…I just really like creating a picture in people’s heads, sue me. I guess I’ll sign off for the night.