Category Archives: thoughts

New Year, New Me(probably not) Revisited

Two years (almost to the date) I wrote about my new years resolutions and what had happened in 2014. It is surreal to go back and read myself again. I sounded so naive and innocent yet hopeful. I look back on that time and I feel negative energy yet reading my writing actually made me miss the way I used to be. Maybe I was writing from a censored point of view since my ex would read my writings. What I wrote and how I felt certainly didn’t match up because I was actually miserable in my relationship at the time. So I feel it’s only right for me to recap again so that I may come back to this blog in another two years and talk about how naive and innocent I am in this moment.

2015, all i can remember from that year was the complete downward spiral into depression and my first big break up. It killed me. From August to December I was all over the place emotionally. It’s a shame, in retrospect, that I let someone like that take away my happiness for so long and cause me to associate that time of my life with bad memories. Although I did start to date other people and, honestly, that break up ultimately liberated me. I am glad I went through it and I just wish I could go back in time and tell my former self that the pain I am feeling isn’t real that you will learn to be happy again without being in a relationship (it just may take a couple more bad relationships to accept this).

2016, started out rough and I ended up celebrating a club for 18+. It was okay, but it idk it just didn’t feel right for me yet. All of 2016 was a rollercoaster. I had to completely cut off ties with my ex and I started the long hard journey to self-discovery. I really wanted to work on myself so I had to take the first steps. This led me to an incredible internship with the video production team for my university and I get to film and work with the Pac-12 broadcast team and be on the field and court for sporting events. On top of that I decided I was going to focus on friends instead of relationships and I am actually having connections with people on a platonic level for the first time in a long time.

I actually want to go out and have fun now, I want to invite people over to watch movies, I want to talk to people instead of sit in my room and wait for my life to get better. I’m actually making my life better. I told myself in 2015 I was going to work on myself and in 2017 I am entering the new year, having felt like I am actually completing that promise.

I can’t say that I feel like my old self again. I don’t want to feel like the way I did before. I was angry, miserable, alone, and I didn’t know how to articulate my thoughts properly. I didn’t want to admit that I couldn’t do life on my own and I still struggle with that. I still feel lonely and I do still think being in a relationship will enrich my life but I know that in the moments where I am being tested the most is the moments that I need to remember. I may be sitting in my room without a call or text from a friend, but I know that this is only a passing moment.

I don’t claim to be completely healed or in the right mindset all the time. Hell, I don’t even claim to really believe in the words I wrote above, but I have to say them. I have to keep setting goals for myself. I have to write words that I feel uncomfortable writing because that lets me know what I need to work on. I got the ball rolling and I don’t want it to stop. And I believe in that.

Great Expectations

Trust. It’s crucial for sustaining any type of relationship, whether it be romantic, friendship, family, even yourself. 

I’ve always had problems with it, I trusted the wrong people and it came back to bite me in the ass later. I’m the type of person who learns from her mistakes the first time; this could either be seen as good or bad depending on the situation. I heard this saying once in 6th grade (details may be a bit off but you’ll get the gist): Smart people learn from their mistakes, but wise people learn from other’s mistakes. I found this profound at the time because I thought nothing was more important than being seen as wise at a young age. I was called smart all throughout elementary school so I felt I needed to be up to those standards through grades. This didn’t work out though when I got a D on a history test and my confidence fell. I thought maybe being funny was more important so I became the class clown after that (the competitive side of me though still tried to be smarter than anyone else in the class. SIDE STORY. In 4th grade we had multiplication tests that were timed. They went from 1 all the way to doing the 12 multiplication tables. You could only move on to the next set of numbers if you passed the ones you were on with 100%. I wanted to be the first in the class to reach the 12s but so did this other boy so every time we had a timed test we battled it out to be the first. Long story short, we both reached the 12s at the same time and both passed at the same time. No one won but LET ME JUST POINT OUT THAT I IN FACT FINISHED MY TEST FIRST THEREFORE MAKING ME THE WINNER but moving on.) So after class clown I found no one took you seriously so in 6th grade I decided being wise and all knowing was my new life goal. 

Tying this all together…I found that if I observed other’s mistakes I wouldn’t make any. Hence, I adopted a perfective personality. As you can tell, trying to make no mistakes proved to be near impossible so I decided that if I was going to make mistakes I would only let them happen once and never again. This was all fine and dandy but over time I became a private person and so when things happened I didn’t talk to anyone about them so the feelings just filled up inside of me. Middle school is a difficult time for everyone especially when you’re doing it alone and with all the things happening to me physically and emotionally I turned to anger to try to express myself. I never lashed out (at first) I only made mean jokes and occasionally playfully hit my friends when they said or did something I didn’t like. 8th grade I had lost pretty much all my friends except one and I was crushing on that last friend pretty hard so things got complicated. I went throughout that year alone and confused which only lead to more wrath within me. Promises were made and broken from both parties and harsh words were exchanged. I walked into high school as a 9th grader alone. Long story short, I snapped. And I don’t mean mental breakdown in class (that came after) I mean I physically felt my brain switch off and I went into a fit of pure, unadulterated rage (I threatened to kill someone in front of the whole school). I couldn’t stop myself from saying the things I did, I couldn’t stop myself from going the places I did, I couldn’t stop and it was the scariest feeling I had ever felt. I stepped out of my body and watched myself do things I wish I could take back, but the weirdest part was as I was grabbing a guy by the throat and threatening his life I felt calm. A wave of ecstasy washed over me and I finally felt free…the rest of what happened after is a different post coming soon that will be titled THINGS ANDREA REGRETS (title subject to change)

Where I was going with that story is when that incident happened I no longer trusted myself. I felt unstable and I felt I couldn’t let anyone into, what I viewed myself as, the lion cage. I had a clean slate after years of pent up emotion, but I was too afraid to do anything with it. I didn’t know if I would snap ever again, I didn’t know if someone would do that to me. I couldn’t trust anyone in this world. Even after I switched schools (i moved it wasn’t because of what I had done) I was afraid of letting anyone into my mind. I thought I knew myself inside and out and to pull something that wasn’t me i wasn’t sure who I was anymore. 

From soph year of high school I had to reinvent myself because the old system had failed. I had to rethink my approach to life and people. I had to actually learn about people, their habits, their feelings, their thoughts, their body language. I had to learn how to trust again so I could have fulfilling relationships with people. I had to build confidence, and other values in order to finally feel like a human being again. 

I still ask myself “what would you do in this scenario?” and I try to really think about how I would react to certain things…the thing is I never know. My final answer is always “I don’t know,” because you can’t possible know how you’re going to react to something that hasn’t happened to you before. You can’t set a script for things as if life is a movie because you can’t predict people. You can’t even predict yourself. That just reminds me of a saying: If you want to make God laugh, tell him/her your plans for the day. You never know what little treasures life holds for you. You never know…

Can We Fix It?

On to the real reason why I felt it necessary to wake up in the middle of the night and write. Always wanted to say this…

We now return to your regularly scheduled broadcast. 

Just so you know, the purpose of this blog was sorta an open diary for me. I like to look back at my writings and relive the emotion that I felt at the time of my writings. I try so hard to put my emotions in words so it can act as a snapshot of the very moment I’m living. I like to think it’s a normal thing; we like to take pictures so we can relive the moment, why not write to relive the reaction. Boy, I sure do use feeling and emotion a lot, typical for a girl to talk about her feelings…   Again, I’m stalling. Whenever I don’t feel like facing the truth I try to stall, even myself sometimes.

Have you ever heard the Serenity Prayer?

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,

The courage to change the things I can,

And the wisdom to know the difference.

This always relates to me because I like to fix things. I like to change people, myself, a task, anything really, especially a situation. Sometimes I dig myself into these pits and then I like to help myself out of it and try to refill the hole. The hole is filled but it doesn’t look like how it used to. That’s my problem, right there. I see the hole isn’t the same but I keep working and picking at it but it doesn’t get any better. I like to try to fix things that aren’t broken and when I realize my mistake I break it even more when I shouldn’t have messed with it in the first place.

I have this dream of being able to turn someone’s life around with a single phrase. You know how in the movies the protagonist tells a character, whose life is going downhill, something so astounding that the troubled character turns their life around instantly. I want to be the person that delivers a blow like that. I don’t exactly mean blow in a negative way, but in a way that produces positive change.

The hero, basically. I want to be the hero. Who doesn’t? Everyone wants to feel important and doing something good for someone else makes you feel important. That’s all I’ve ever wanted in life; to feel needed. I need to have someone who is constantly coming to me for everything. It makes me feel important and like the hero in this person’s life. This is coming a little too vain, but we live in a world where we are told we are insignificant and our life is meaningless. We all want to be celebrities because we want attention. We want to feel important so we can prove those people, who told us that we wouldn’t amount to anything, wrong. And that’s why I like to fix everything. Heroes help people and they don’t fuck up (well if you don’t count all the damage they do to cities..). They dig a hole and they fill it back up and even put grass back over it; I just wanted to do the same.

Everyone loves the hero. No one likes the villain. Although I like the villain. Sometimes I like to think of myself as one of them. I’m in that point of my life where I can either decide to be good and treat people well or be bad and live only for my needs. No one girl should have all that power.

Life is really interesting if you think long and hard about it (ya know, if you have that kind of time like me). We could change it at any moment. I could start a new life instantly. I can destroy the one I’m living right now and start over.

Maybe I’m not a hero or villain. Maybe I’m just the bystander who happens to be where all the action is but never helps out. Maybe I’m the bystander who runs the second they see a situation unfolding. I could be the reporter who gets close but keeps her distance. That’s what growing up is. Figuring out which character you want to be. Do you want to be a main character or a nameless pedestrian. Do you want to fight the fight or be the fruit stand guy who always gets in the way (Don’t be that guy).

That’s what I need to do; find myself. The real me and then live the hell out of that life.

Sinking

I’m just going to be upfront and state that this won’t be an uplifting post. 

People say depression and I hear it so often that it’s almost foreign to me. It’s different for everyone and this is my account on what it’s like to feel depression.

You know when you see a word over and over and it’s almost lost connection behind it. Depression. I’m always so surprised when I physically feel a pressing on my chest. It always sneaks up on me and I never see that my world is draining of color until it’s become pastel and I look back and notice when things started changing to me. Songs I used to love and feel deep within my bones no longer have the same effect as they used to. I hear a special song and it’s like the world melts around me and the only thing around me is this song and the world I build from the lyrics. That all changes though once I start feeling that pressure on my chest. 

Days that once had a vibe of brightness and a sense of having a new start just turn into a lazy vibe.

Songs fall upon deaf ears that hear the words but don’t see the vision. 

The sun shines down and gives off an orange hue. 

Colors drain and are no longer vibrant. 

Tastes buds, dull. 

Appetite, gone.

Boredom. 

That’s how depression feels for me. I get so bored that I fear I won’t have enough things in this life to do that will occupy my time. I’m bored with living yet I fear being bored in death. I just exist at one point and that’s the scariest point in my downward spiral. To feel like your world has physically stopped. Imagine that classic scene from a  movie where the character is standing on a busy sidewalk and all the people around speed up and just carry on with life but the main character is still in the same spot, not moving. Life still carries on but their life doesn’t carry on like everyone else’s. 

That’s what people don’t realize about people who are depressed; they know life goes on but when you’re in it…it’s hard to just get out of bed. When I’m depressed, I know I am and I know the exact steps I need to take to get out of it but by the time I realize where I’m at in my stages I’ve become a sloth. I just can’t get the motivation to carry on and work hard to get better. I’m drowning, but I know how to swim. 

Most of the time my depression can be described as lypophrenia: a feeling of sadness seemingly without a cause. I don’t know why I get like this I just slip into it. I spend hours trying to find a cause only to come to the conclusion that there isn’t one. I guess it’s cause I’m bored with my emotions at times and I need to feel something else. This may be bad (can’t find the right word for this) but sometimes I like it. I like feeling something other than content with my life even if it means going downhill. It gives me something to work on. I get to work on myself and work on getting myself out of this. I guess that makes me a bad person because people with actual problems slip into depression and here I am getting some sick joy out of feeling like shit. Like depression equals another project for me to work on.

I wonder why I am the way I am sometimes. I worry about the way I am sometimes. Then I reflect on the things I’ve done just to entertain myself. The people who I involved myself with just because I say them as a project and not a real human being. I would get mad if they didn’t listen to me and would leave them and go for someone who would listen to me and would bend to my wishes. I didn’t respect these people, they weren’t real they were just things I could manipulate. No amount of apologizing can fix what I’ve done because I never said it to them. I only apologized out loud in the comfort of my own room so I didn’t have to face the question that I hate answering: “Why did you do it?” I never know the answer. 

Well this took a twist that I never planned for…should stop now. 

I’m not a bad person…I’ve just made bad decisions. 

Becoming One With Nature

Just a few minutes ago I saw a bumblebee trying to pollinate some lavender in my backyard. I leaned forward and noticed it sticking it’s head into the buds then flying to another branch, this went on for some time. Another part there was a wasp doing the same thing and when it saw what the bumblebee was doing it chased it away from the plant. The bumblebee kept coming back over and over and I could tell it was making a game out of this. It was like the wasp was the old man who yelled at the kids (bumblebee) to get off his lawn; I just had to smile at the sight of this.

I used to be an angry child while growing up. Every little thing could send me on a screaming rant, although the people around me found this to be entertaining they had no idea that I was really ticked off all the time. I used to not care about nature at all. I would throw my trash on the ground and I could never understand those “tree-hugging hippies”. I was rude to all and especially my pets, I saw them as weak and than me so I felt I could push them off of the couch, feed them whenever I no longer felt lazy, wake them up just because, and just run into them because I wasn’t aware of my surroundings. I look back now and I can’t understand how I could be so heartless toward these creatures that trusted me.

Dogs amaze me with their loyalty to humans ( I say dogs because I never owned a cat). After doing all those things to them they still would cuddle up to me when I cried, licked my hand, begged for me to pet them, and still followed me around. I wish humans had that trait more often of forgiveness, I think a lot of heartache would be relieved. These animals are raised to trust us despite the fact that some are betrayed by their owners and are greatly harmed ( there’s a special place in hell for animal abusers). We could forget to feed them and instead of turning their back on us they hope it doesn’t happen again tomorrow. To forgive so quickly…I hope to be half as forgiving as that.

I’m talking about nature and dogs because in a flash of self awareness, I realized that the peace I felt while watching those two insects go at it was what it felt like to be one with nature. I had never noticed how much I had changed until I thought back to my past and remembered how I felt about nature.

I noticed a change when my chihuahua, Mojo, was diagnosed with a condition that caused him a great deal of pain. The disks in his neck were too close together and after a rowdy time the disks started pinching his nerves to the point where every time he moved his neck he let out a scream that broke my heart. He was given meds but he still yelped whenever someone tried to pick him. I felt sympathy as if I was my own child in pain screaming for help. I slowed my heartbeat and went over to pick him up, everyone in the room stopped to see how he would respond. I bent down in front in of him so he could see me and wouldn’t be startled resulting in a quick snap of the neck. I gently placed my hand on his sides and looked him in the eyes trying to convey a look of ” you can trust me”, I gently lifted him up and placed him on the couch. He didn’t scream, didn’t even whimper, I felt so proud that I was able to accomplish something that others couldn’t but it went much deeper than that. I helped this creature that couldn’t help itself. He trusted me and I could tell he loved me because he would only let me pick him up after that.

From that moment I have noticed that my fear of certain insects like wasps and bees have deterred and allowed us to live in the same backyard in harmony. I’ve rescued insects from drowning, nurtured to my dogs (trying to make up for the times I was a jerk), and just felt fascination and appreciation for nature and it’s beauty. With this I’ve noticed I’m calmer, more at peace, loving, caring, sensitive, and sympathetic toward all creatures in life (Including the ones that talk).

That’s all I have to say, Peace.