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When You’ve Had Enough

One of the best pieces of advice that my father has ever said to me is: ” People change when they are sick and tired of being sick and tired.”

I heard this being said to me for years and it would just go through one ear and out the other because I never knew what that felt like. People talk about rock bottom but I’ve hit it in the past and still continued doing the same things I was doing. I now know what he’s talking about. After getting my heartbroken for the umpteenth time and realizing that my 21st birthday is quickly approaching yet I don’t have anyone in my mind that I would celebrate this day with, I knew I was sick and tired of feeling this way.

The way I had been living my life wasn’t working for me anymore. I took a step back and assessed the damage that I had caused. I had managed to all but alienate myself from friendships, terrified of socializing (as a consequence to the no friends situation), forgetting to take my vitamins therefore I was in poor health, and valued having a romantic relationship rather than my own family (or health for that matter). The only things I had to show for it were good grades but was it really worth? Sure, my alienation produced good things like the fact that I feel like I know myself better than most and I motivated myself to get the internship of a lifetime (plus the good grades aren’t that bad), but what I had managed to succeed in in my school and work life, I had completely failed in my social life.

When I realized that I was sitting at home again watching people on Facebook and Snapchat having a ton of fun on the weekend and I was sitting in my bed all day, I had had enough. I was going to change my life around and that’s what I’ve been doing. It’s been a slow process and every little step counts but I honestly feel better. I started taking vitamins regularly, have started caring about making meaningful friendships first (before looking into a relationship), and even though it’s another weekend where I’m home watching people have fun I know that I am closer now than I was last month to living the life I know I deserve. I deserve to have good friends and to have fun. I’ve worked hard enough and I’m sick and tired of feeling lonely when there are potential friends around me all the time. The new school year hasn’t started yet but I’m going to make it a goal to make new friends (and actually care about them). It’s going to be conscious at first but after awhile it will become natural (and hopefully I’ll get over my fear of rejection).

Nothing worth having is easy. Happiness is worth having and it may not come easily or as quickly as I’d like but I know it’s going to happen for me. It’s already started, now it’s time to ignite this spark!

Overcast Summer Days

I am very in tune with the weather. I am one of those people who’s mood is affected by the weather. The effects are never immediate but consistent days do take their course on me. Rainy days make me depressed, sunny days make me happy, cloudy days make me nostalgic; however, overcast days are the outlier in my equation.

There are two kinds of overcast, cold days and warm days. Now the cold ones are grouped together with the cloudy day category, but the hot days are their own unique day. They are rare days, I maybe experience them a handful of times a year but every time they occur they stand out in my mind. Today is an overcast hot day.

What experience during this time can only be described as surreal. My perception of time is warped to where I feel time has slowed down. It is currently 8 pm and I feel like I have lived through this hour multiple times today. Normally in the day you can tell what time it is without a clock but with overcast every hour is the same. Suddenly time loses it’s purpose and morning, afternoon, and late afternoon are lumped together. The only time you notice a change in your day is when night arrives cause at least you have some grasp of what time it is. Seeing a numerical value put to the time of day just puts into emphasis how time is a social construction. But playing along with the concept of time I would have to say that an overcast summer day feels like a 2pm on a Wednesday.

As for how it affects my personality, well I get bored. When I get bored I think, a lot and deeply. I do not hide the fact that I think into my relationships too much and I will overanalyze every element until every action has essentially lost meaning and I am forced to ask philosophical questions like: “What does a lack of eye contact mean?” The only thing that stops this from happening on a regular basis is the fact that I am too busy to think that deeply, I am constantly doing something to change my thoughts. But with boredom added into the equation (and the occasional procrastination stress) i create the perfect atmosphere for me to psycho-analyze every minute detail with every interaction I’ve ever had with someone to try to see if I missed any red flags.

Now to some this may seem like insanity and I guess it is a little crazy but this is how I operate. I have always been this way. I hone in on people’s personalities because I figure if I can know their every mood then I can predict their wills and desires before it’s even said. I know this is possible but it’s something that takes time and a lot of quality time together, but I’m in impatient and essentially try to fit in 5 years worth of knowledge in 5 weeks. I never do learn. I do view this as a weakness and knowing my own weaknesses and anxieties does help me from messing with my life. I can prevent myself from doing stupid things by recognizing when I’m overthinking something. My rule is if I want to ask a “risky” question (one that may change my dynamic with someone) then I wait three days to ask it. If after three days it’s still on my mind and I haven’t a clue what the answer is then I ask it, but if I’m not thinking about the question well then it was just an anxiety and I saved myself possible grief.

I do admit that I have anxiety (especially relationship anxiety) and it’s just something I live with and try to cope with in the hopes that they will subside one day. Some of them have lessened over time so I know it’s working. But I digress. Now you know why I hate overcast hot days, time is warped and I get bored. Sounds simple enough but I’ve always learned that nothing is as it seems.

New Series coming this June 2016

Been a long time but yes, I am still alive. And no, my grammar has not improved much. This summer I want to try something to keep busy and focused.

Presenting: A series on what it’s like being a queer person living on their own for the first time!

Well technically I’ve been on my own for the whole school year, but this time it’s for the summer so I’m assuming it’s going to be different. If not then I’ll blog about how life is no different in the summer and how music lies to you about that idea. But this will be great! There’s gonna be heartbreak, adventures, food, how to be queer advice, the gradual decline of my sanity as I try to survive summer school, philosophical thoughts, questions with no answers, emotions, etc. You get the picture.

This will focus heavily on lesbianism so if that isn’t your thing then skim over those parts cause what I have to say is still relevant to everyone. If that is your thing then hey! welcome to the club. A lot of these things I’ve been having to figure out on my own cause my situations are never exactly perfect. I make negotiations and compromises that get me into trouble and then I need to dig myself out of the hole; so, if I can help at least one person who is similar to me then I’ll consider this a win!

I will try to update every one or two weeks. Posts will begin the first week of June. Until then…Ciao!

Transporting to a paradise

I have not written in a while. It seems like I only come here to purge rather than offer any profound insight into anything. This blog has turned into a last resort for when I have nowhere else to go.

There’s something oddly comforting knowing that my words are public. I could end up embarrassing myself on here but that’s not something I really worry about. This is a safe space for me to figure out what’s going through my mind.

What’s going through my mind?

Well first I’ve found a gorgeous song titled Fantasy by Alina Baraz. The only way I can describe what this song does to me is it sends me to the paradise that I didn’t know was tucked away in my head. The amount of good vibes I feel is incredible and it made me realize I wasn’t that happy until I actually felt bliss. The singer’s voice sounds like what I imagine teal and gold would sound like if they were transformed into music. Does that make sense? I sometimes imagine what colors and combinations would sound like; it’s something that I didn’t know that I did until I heard certain songs and imagined color combinations. The song evokes the image a roman paradise with teal water, gold robes and trinkets, with a vibrant sky filled with purples and green undertones. The amount of analysis I put into the song may be a little ridiculous but finding that one song that sends chills down your spine is a rarity. I’ve listened to such a depth that I can actually hear the paradise within the song. Soft whispers of birds chirping, the gentle roar of waves crashing against the sand, pure bliss. The moment the song starts you realize you are no longer in your surroundings, you have been transported to another land where your problems just don’t matter. I’d love to share this vision with someone.

Why I like the song is because it takes me away from my reality. It’s not that my reality is bad (better than most), but I still want the stress to be released and the harmful thoughts to silence themselves. I’m not going to go into depth about what is driving me up the wall, all I know is that the littlest things can be blown out of proportion.

I’m a thinker and a problem-solver and a strategist, big time. I try to figure out my next three moves before it’s even my turn. This generally translates into: You did something a little out of character and now I’m going to analyze every minute detail until I come to the conclusion that you hate me. I find it interesting that my mind never allows for things to end on a happy note, someone is always out to get me. Someone is always looking to dethrone me. I have managed to put myself on such a high pedal-stool that I continue to think that someone is trying to take my position (A position I don’t even really possess). I fear the worst all the time and yet I am never prepared for when the worst happens. I think that if I build myself up and brace myself then maybe it won’t hurt as much but it always does. The few times when I hate being right.

I always wonder if I’m stressed 24/7 yet I’m so used to it that I can’t even tell. I don’t know what use that information would do for me considering that I have no idea how to relax. I am always on edge yet I have learned to keep a calm composure. My face reads like a slate yet my insides are torn up.

I don’t really have much to say tonight. The motivation has left me suddenly. I’ll try again tomorrow but for tonight this is what I have to say.

New Year, New Me (Probably not)

Cliche title! That’s my new year resolution, to become a cliche. Not really, it’s actually to give up on soda for a year and take better care of myself (mainly with beauty products).

So it’s a been a while since I’ve last made a post so here’s to the first post of 2015! I totally meant to write sooner (honest), but the motivation kinda went away. My best writing and ideas come at around 1-2 am when I’m sleep deprived. But I’m too lazy to write so there goes that hope. At this hour I am filled with so much emotion I can barely contain. My mind races and my stomach becomes a butterfly habitat. Writing is the only thing that makes me calm again. So since the beginning of school I’ve been writing every day (with the exception of breaks) and I think it’s why I sleep so well at night.

BUT before I go into anymore 2015 stuff, lets take a look back at 2014. The year started off with my first New Year’s Eve kiss which I’ve always wanted. I graduated high school, discovered a ton of awesome tracks, got into a very minor car accident (I tapped the bumper and there was ZERO damage done but the lady still complained and jacked up our insurance so that’s great), committed to the University of Oregon and ultimately attended in September. I made this little blog you are reading here and the staff posted a prompt that I had made about the 7 deadly sins (Still a highlight), I experienced what it truly felt like to miss someone, realized just how great private bathrooms are, signed the lease to my new apartment for next year, and before the year vowed I was going to make this year different.

This year is all about doing what makes me feel good, saying what needs to be said, and taking time out of my day to just listen to the words of songs. I’ve gone to the gym already (the school did a complete remodel and it is unbelievable), stayed true to my no soda policy, and I’ve started expressing how I really feel about subjects. OH and have an internship for an environmental magazine! So far so good (and okay). This term the teachers seem really nice and I’m confident I’ll do well. Trying to stay positive

But can I be real for a moment? Love is a battle. I thought I would be immune to it and thought I had the skills to make any situation better but I was wrong. No amount of fake fights, that I made up in my mind, could prepare me for the real battle. I’ve been watching too much Office and seeing Jim and Pam have problems scared me because it made me realize that life is not some TV show where the perfect characters never fight and are happy 24/7. Even people who are meant for each other can have their ups and downs. I feel a little defeated and just the fact there is nothing I can do from afar just really gets to me. I’m the controlling type, I like to make things work out so I don’t end up broken hearted anymore. However, when I thought I was helping I just ended up making things worse and I think I need a break. I just need to not say anything for a while and wait for time to fix my mess like it always does. I’m just mad at myself. I don’t know…it’s out of my hands at this point and I’m not going to make the moves anymore and just sit back. Sit back and just breath and learn to be easy again. So I may do some yoga and soul searching, hopefully I come out better.

Peace

Falling

Hello again, it’s been a long time since I’ve written last…I seem to be saying that a lot.

It’s not that I’m too busy (well I am), I just have not found the motivation. I only write whenever I have something to write about but for the past few weeks I haven’t found something to write about. Obviously I’ve found my voice again because here I am. Just a heads up, this isn’t going to be a feel good post. I have not been very optimistic lately so no revelations this time around (maybe some other time).

So college life, I am very well prepared for it. Going to a college prep school really did the job because my classes this term aren’t that difficult to me (at the moment) and I am fairly confident in my ability to pass my classes. However, things are starting to wind down as we exit “dead week” and finals are just around the corner. I did most of my work just before I went on thanksgiving break so I have quite a bit of free time these days. Our GTF (Graduate Teaching Fellows) faulty is striking at the moment and with three of my classes being taught by a GTF I haven’t had those classes all week. So I find myself with no work, no class, and no worries. This is a problem. Just a big heads up I’m going to jump around a lot in this post because I have a lot on my mind at the moment (bare with me, I’ll try to keep it organized). In order to pass the time I’ve decided to watch a boatload of Netflix, mainly The Office. It’s so easy to get emotionally invested in TV shows to the point where you prefer this fantasy world over reality. It didn’t hit me until a few moments ago when the episode stopped and all I heard was silence. I am all alone in a dark room, and I feel lonely. Well I assume this is what loneliness feels like, to be honest I don’t feel anything. I really do not have any emotions in my body other than the internal struggle to keep myself from slipping into depression.

The only way I can describe what it feels like is it’s a battle. A silent battle but nonetheless I still feel a struggle. I don’t remember when it started but I kinda want to give up. I just want to give up and let myself fall just to feel something. I imagine myself floating on the surface of the ocean, with the sun beating down, while keeping a steady rhythm of kicking my feet. Your feet get tired and you start to forget why you’re trying to stay afloat. You wonder what would happen if you stopped kicking just for a moment, you are confident that if you sink you can just swim back to surface again. You ache for a rest, even for a moment, so you stop kicking. You stay floating for a minute and think you’ll be okay, but you feel your feet getting cold as the rays of the sun are no longer able to kiss the surface of your skin. The water envelopes your legs as it cascades of your stomach. You know you’re sinking but you figure you have more time to rest before starting the struggle again. The water level reaches to the very ends of your hairline and over your ears, leaving you with the sounds of nothing but the abyss. You notice how peaceful it is and how loud it was on the surface. You decide you like the silence and wish to listen to it a little more before splashing exchanges with the calm. The water reaches the corners of your eyes and you close them. You do not panic, this is familiar and you know you can reach the surface again. You take one final breath and relax every muscle in your body. You sink and the sea claims your entire body you open your eyes and the sun shining through the water. The spot where you were will still be there when you decide to fight again…if you decide to fight again. For the moment you just enjoy the calm and let go…

So a general idea of what depression feels like for me. The movies give it this whole fit of being hysterical and never ending tears, and this can be true for some but not me. My depression is not sadness, it’s nothingness. It’s feeling of being extremely bored with life and death. It’s the thought that you will run out of things to do in your lifetime and then what? It’s the uncertainty of what death will look like and if there is a heaven, what can keep me satisfied for all eternity. It’s the desire to travel the stars and galaxies to find more meaning in this life. It’s the wonder of maybe my heaven is traveling the universe and others if they exist. It’s wanting to see new colors, and new species, new lives, new stories, being a new person.

Well I was going to write about more, but I kinda got carried away with the descriptions…I just really like creating a picture in people’s heads, sue me. I guess I’ll sign off for the night.

Peace

The Weight of Living

Words hold such weight for me. They mean so much to me. They are my sword.

I enjoy writing because out of all the talents in this world, I only have my writing skills. I can not draw, sing, or dance, all I have are my words. I hang such a great deal of weight on words that when I’m writing if I don’t mean something that I’m writing then I will not write it. If I’m tumblr and I see a post that I like (that involves some type of writing), but I do not 100% agree then I won’t reblog it. This may seem like a simple concept, you don’t like something then don’t reblog it, but to mean it means a lot. A post could say “I want to run away from it all”, and I would agree but I don’t feel 100% that way. I don’t like running away from my problems because everywhere you go you’re still you. So I will not promote the notion that running away will solve anything in life because it won’t. I take responsibility for my blog and I take responsibility with my words. I think very carefully about them. I am constantly erasing and retyping on my posts because I want anyone who reads my posts to know what I am saying exactly from my point of view.

Words hold such weight to everyone. They do hurt, they do lift you up, they can make you cry, they can make you laugh. If you think about it, your life is dictated by a bunch of clicks and sounds that you put meaning to. If someone in another language insulted you you would never know, or care because those sounds do not hold meaning to you, but if someone were to speak a language that you do understand and they insulted you… Words hold such meaning that your mood can change in an instant. Your brain will send hormones to change how you feel, think about that…these words will register in your mind and it can change the chemical balance in your mind. That’s a lethal, it’s no wonder bullying is such a big issue. Words can hurt you and they do and they can change how you see yourself. This is why I love writing so much. Sure you can move people through art but with writing or speaking in general you can control people. People become a puppet and you the puppeteer. That’s a lot of power…and I actually enjoy the idea of me being in control. Of course, I would rather not use my words to break people but just the idea that I can brings a sinister smile to my face. ( just a heads up I am an INTJ personality type and their nickname is the Mastermind so…this thinking isn’t unusual)

well that’s all today, just a short little thought bubble I had today and feel necessary to speak about.