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I am my own therapist now!

I don’t know if anyone reads these words or why they would be here, but if you find yourself lurking and feel you may have the same struggle as me then I hope you can find solidarity in my words. Or at least find a distraction while you read about someone else’s struggles.

I have anxiety. Many people don’t know this upon first looking at me and many still don’t know even if they had known me for a long time. I am really good at concealing it for one reason, my anxiety only comes out when I am dating someone. My disorder is purely phobia based, there was no traumatic childhood that caused me to be anxious, there was no horrible ex who started my descent into fear; I just grew up sheltered and never learned to accept certain aspects of life. My phobias are: fear of rejection, fear of the unknown, fear of failure, and fear of spiders. The first three are purely mental states that don’t actually manifest into anything. I can’t avoid failure like I can avoid spiders. I can’t avoid rejection or the future, I can only limit the amount of exposure I get to it and that’s not a way to live. The only way to limit my exposure is by refusing to do anything risky, anything that I have never experienced before. That’s not living, that’s survival.

I once became accustomed to my fear of spiders. One summer, a medium sized spider decided to make a home between my window and the screen. It was perfectly wedged so that if I slide my window open then the spider would crawl into my room. Since I could not afford to move again, I decided I would let it be until winter would inevitably kill it. Well, this spider brought friends and what turned into a small problem led to more and more spiders making homes in and around my window. Some of the spiders were massive and just staring at them made my skin crawl. Winter came around and I saw little of them, but some remained, reminding me to never open my window. Then spring came around and those spiders had babies and the cycle continued. While these creatures made lives outside my window, I was able to observe them. I spent weeks avoiding the window and then I would look at them in glancing and finally sat down and observed them. They were still creepy to me, but the internal alarm within me became muffled when it saw that there was no real threat. I was protected by glass and even if they came inside they were not harmful (I did research on the type of spider they were). They looked sinister and harmful, but they weren’t and I got comfortable with spiders. I wouldn’t pick them up, but if I was outside of my room and found myself face to face with these creatures then I would not scream or run away. I wouldn’t feel the need to kill it either, I would just continue on after acknowledging it. In the back of my mind, I still knew I should be afraid, but my experiences told me that I had been afraid of nothing. I made spiders to be scarier than they really were.

I told that story because my other fears, failure, rejection, the unknown, are just like the spiders. I make them out to be scarier than they are and because I have this fear of them, I avoid them like the plague. But the above is exactly what I need – exposure therapy. To face my fears and understand that the intrusive thoughts I have are harmless and I can face what may come my way. I have to sit down with my fears and study them until they no longer cause me stress. Then I will be free. After that? Who knows what may happen but I’m not going to be scared of what lies beyond my control. You shouldn’t be scared either.


The Dangers of Internalizing Emotions

First off, I know it’s been a while! And I say this every single time I write but it’s my blog and I can do whatever I want. Secondly, shout out to the guy that said he wanted a follow up to my Passangers review, gonna be honest say that’s probably not going to happen cause too much time has passed since I’ve seen the movie and I really don’t want to watch it again.

So tonight, I got rejected. Rejection happens to everyone (yes, including me. Who could resist me!). I had gone a date with this person and said we should have a second date. At the time she agreed so I tried to set up a dinner date (where I would cook) and in return I got a message saying she wasn’t feeling the whole dating thing and she hopes everything in my life goes well. Lovely message, pretty civil. My heart sank when I read it. I had already planned the night in my head and to hear that it wasn’t going to happen shocked my world. How could someone I barely know (who barely knows me) reject my awesome dinner idea? She wasn’t going to the plan I had already set out for her. She wasn’t following the script! Please be aware of the sarcasm. After a long conversation with my parents I realized some stuff…

First off, it is okay to be sad that something didn’t work out with someone even if you didn’t really know them. I was sad from the expectations and not her. Secondly, you should recognize a blessing in disguise. I was so determined to make this work (I’ll explain why I was trying so hard later) that I totally missed red flags. I missed the fact that she flaked on me at one point without an explanation and wouldn’t give me an explanation until I asked. I missed that we very much didn’t have much in common to begin with (she was really hot, so I was kinda blind to this fact). I missed the fact that she had just gotten out a serious relationship not too long ago. And I missed the biggest red flag of all, when she wanted to have sex and I told her “No” she then wanted to go home. That last should conjure an audible gasp that I would allow something like that slide. I was desperate to be in an intimate relationship and having a nice face alone sold it for me. But why was I so desperate?

Well here comes the explanation about why I was so determined to make things work. Let’s go back one layer, I was dumped over the summer. It was only a four month relationship but I refused to cry over the loss of this person. I’m graduating college rather soon (like in 2 months) and I don’t have a secure job set. Last year, I was forced to cut off contact with an ex who I had been in a relationship with for 2 years. What does all this have to do with the other? I have refused to process anything that was going on these situations. I quickly tried to move on with my ex of 2 years, I quickly tried to move on with my ex of 4 months, I quickly tried to create structure in my life knowing my future is very uncertain in the coming months. I internalized everything and have essentially been screwing myself over trying to make up for all the things I haven’t processed.

I can physically feel my life losing control, day by day and I am desperate to find stability again. I want stability like I had in my 2 year relationship to the point where I am trying to push my other relationships forward at lightening speed in order to get that feeling of security back. I am trying to rush a job that I am not even sure I really want so I can have security in my future. I tried to rush through college so I could have stability in a career I didn’t even have yet. I am facing rejection left and right because people can sense my intensity. This is a shitty feeling.

I mean, I do understand that I am not all at fault with the relationship aspect of my problems. People have their own rights and can whatever they want and if having dinner at someone’s house is too intimate for you then I can’t help you (who gives up free food? I mean have your priorities set!). But this stems from my perfectionist personality and desires to be in control of everything. I am coming to realize that I have no control over anything and it’s difficult. I cursed the entire month of September as being bad luck because I faced so much rejection and uncertainty; now that I am in October, and these problems keep arising, I have to come to the realization that months are not autonomous and that these things that keep happening over and over can be self-inflicted.

So now I have a new self project – going back to square one and understanding the world will work the way it needs to and I don’t have control over that. It’s time I take (another) step back from dating and reassess my goals and priorities. It’s time I allow myself closure for things that will never truly have an end. It’s time I process my emotions and allow myself to feel them. Finally, it’s time for me to relax and trust the process. No more rushing into things or chasing time. My goals are to take a step back from social media, take a step back from dating, rediscover hobbies (or develop new ones), focus on friendships, make peace with my past, find excitement in my future (rather than dread), and accept the things that are out of my control. I must work toward building my confidence again to the point where rejection doesn’t give me into an epiphany where I’m forced to write down my feelings in order to sleep tonight. Rejection happens to everyone and it will continue to happen, but I am proud of how I directly responded to it. I am proud of myself for getting to where I am at and I am already proud of where I will be. I just have to remember that I am worth more and deserve better (something an ex said to me which I know understand fully).

If you feel like you are internalizing things or notice you keep making the same mistake then step back and ask why. Ask yourself what you want and where you are going and don’t be afraid to go for it. I want a real relationship and I will not settle with the hook-up culture around me. What do you want?

When You’ve Had Enough

One of the best pieces of advice that my father has ever said to me is: ” People change when they are sick and tired of being sick and tired.”

I heard this being said to me for years and it would just go through one ear and out the other because I never knew what that felt like. People talk about rock bottom but I’ve hit it in the past and still continued doing the same things I was doing. I now know what he’s talking about. After getting my heartbroken for the umpteenth time and realizing that my 21st birthday is quickly approaching yet I don’t have anyone in my mind that I would celebrate this day with, I knew I was sick and tired of feeling this way.

The way I had been living my life wasn’t working for me anymore. I took a step back and assessed the damage that I had caused. I had managed to all but alienate myself from friendships, terrified of socializing (as a consequence to the no friends situation), forgetting to take my vitamins therefore I was in poor health, and valued having a romantic relationship rather than my own family (or health for that matter). The only things I had to show for it were good grades but was it really worth? Sure, my alienation produced good things like the fact that I feel like I know myself better than most and I motivated myself to get the internship of a lifetime (plus the good grades aren’t that bad), but what I had managed to succeed in in my school and work life, I had completely failed in my social life.

When I realized that I was sitting at home again watching people on Facebook and Snapchat having a ton of fun on the weekend and I was sitting in my bed all day, I had had enough. I was going to change my life around and that’s what I’ve been doing. It’s been a slow process and every little step counts but I honestly feel better. I started taking vitamins regularly, have started caring about making meaningful friendships first (before looking into a relationship), and even though it’s another weekend where I’m home watching people have fun I know that I am closer now than I was last month to living the life I know I deserve. I deserve to have good friends and to have fun. I’ve worked hard enough and I’m sick and tired of feeling lonely when there are potential friends around me all the time. The new school year hasn’t started yet but I’m going to make it a goal to make new friends (and actually care about them). It’s going to be conscious at first but after awhile it will become natural (and hopefully I’ll get over my fear of rejection).

Nothing worth having is easy. Happiness is worth having and it may not come easily or as quickly as I’d like but I know it’s going to happen for me. It’s already started, now it’s time to ignite this spark!

Overcast Summer Days

I am very in tune with the weather. I am one of those people who’s mood is affected by the weather. The effects are never immediate but consistent days do take their course on me. Rainy days make me depressed, sunny days make me happy, cloudy days make me nostalgic; however, overcast days are the outlier in my equation.

There are two kinds of overcast, cold days and warm days. Now the cold ones are grouped together with the cloudy day category, but the hot days are their own unique day. They are rare days, I maybe experience them a handful of times a year but every time they occur they stand out in my mind. Today is an overcast hot day.

What experience during this time can only be described as surreal. My perception of time is warped to where I feel time has slowed down. It is currently 8 pm and I feel like I have lived through this hour multiple times today. Normally in the day you can tell what time it is without a clock but with overcast every hour is the same. Suddenly time loses it’s purpose and morning, afternoon, and late afternoon are lumped together. The only time you notice a change in your day is when night arrives cause at least you have some grasp of what time it is. Seeing a numerical value put to the time of day just puts into emphasis how time is a social construction. But playing along with the concept of time I would have to say that an overcast summer day feels like a 2pm on a Wednesday.

As for how it affects my personality, well I get bored. When I get bored I think, a lot and deeply. I do not hide the fact that I think into my relationships too much and I will overanalyze every element until every action has essentially lost meaning and I am forced to ask philosophical questions like: “What does a lack of eye contact mean?” The only thing that stops this from happening on a regular basis is the fact that I am too busy to think that deeply, I am constantly doing something to change my thoughts. But with boredom added into the equation (and the occasional procrastination stress) i create the perfect atmosphere for me to psycho-analyze every minute detail with every interaction I’ve ever had with someone to try to see if I missed any red flags.

Now to some this may seem like insanity and I guess it is a little crazy but this is how I operate. I have always been this way. I hone in on people’s personalities because I figure if I can know their every mood then I can predict their wills and desires before it’s even said. I know this is possible but it’s something that takes time and a lot of quality time together, but I’m in impatient and essentially try to fit in 5 years worth of knowledge in 5 weeks. I never do learn. I do view this as a weakness and knowing my own weaknesses and anxieties does help me from messing with my life. I can prevent myself from doing stupid things by recognizing when I’m overthinking something. My rule is if I want to ask a “risky” question (one that may change my dynamic with someone) then I wait three days to ask it. If after three days it’s still on my mind and I haven’t a clue what the answer is then I ask it, but if I’m not thinking about the question well then it was just an anxiety and I saved myself possible grief.

I do admit that I have anxiety (especially relationship anxiety) and it’s just something I live with and try to cope with in the hopes that they will subside one day. Some of them have lessened over time so I know it’s working. But I digress. Now you know why I hate overcast hot days, time is warped and I get bored. Sounds simple enough but I’ve always learned that nothing is as it seems.

New Series coming this June 2016

Been a long time but yes, I am still alive. And no, my grammar has not improved much. This summer I want to try something to keep busy and focused.

Presenting: A series on what it’s like being a queer person living on their own for the first time!

Well technically I’ve been on my own for the whole school year, but this time it’s for the summer so I’m assuming it’s going to be different. If not then I’ll blog about how life is no different in the summer and how music lies to you about that idea. But this will be great! There’s gonna be heartbreak, adventures, food, how to be queer advice, the gradual decline of my sanity as I try to survive summer school, philosophical thoughts, questions with no answers, emotions, etc. You get the picture.

This will focus heavily on lesbianism so if that isn’t your thing then skim over those parts cause what I have to say is still relevant to everyone. If that is your thing then hey! welcome to the club. A lot of these things I’ve been having to figure out on my own cause my situations are never exactly perfect. I make negotiations and compromises that get me into trouble and then I need to dig myself out of the hole; so, if I can help at least one person who is similar to me then I’ll consider this a win!

I will try to update every one or two weeks. Posts will begin the first week of June. Until then…Ciao!

Transporting to a paradise

I have not written in a while. It seems like I only come here to purge rather than offer any profound insight into anything. This blog has turned into a last resort for when I have nowhere else to go.

There’s something oddly comforting knowing that my words are public. I could end up embarrassing myself on here but that’s not something I really worry about. This is a safe space for me to figure out what’s going through my mind.

What’s going through my mind?

Well first I’ve found a gorgeous song titled Fantasy by Alina Baraz. The only way I can describe what this song does to me is it sends me to the paradise that I didn’t know was tucked away in my head. The amount of good vibes I feel is incredible and it made me realize I wasn’t that happy until I actually felt bliss. The singer’s voice sounds like what I imagine teal and gold would sound like if they were transformed into music. Does that make sense? I sometimes imagine what colors and combinations would sound like; it’s something that I didn’t know that I did until I heard certain songs and imagined color combinations. The song evokes the image a roman paradise with teal water, gold robes and trinkets, with a vibrant sky filled with purples and green undertones. The amount of analysis I put into the song may be a little ridiculous but finding that one song that sends chills down your spine is a rarity. I’ve listened to such a depth that I can actually hear the paradise within the song. Soft whispers of birds chirping, the gentle roar of waves crashing against the sand, pure bliss. The moment the song starts you realize you are no longer in your surroundings, you have been transported to another land where your problems just don’t matter. I’d love to share this vision with someone.

Why I like the song is because it takes me away from my reality. It’s not that my reality is bad (better than most), but I still want the stress to be released and the harmful thoughts to silence themselves. I’m not going to go into depth about what is driving me up the wall, all I know is that the littlest things can be blown out of proportion.

I’m a thinker and a problem-solver and a strategist, big time. I try to figure out my next three moves before it’s even my turn. This generally translates into: You did something a little out of character and now I’m going to analyze every minute detail until I come to the conclusion that you hate me. I find it interesting that my mind never allows for things to end on a happy note, someone is always out to get me. Someone is always looking to dethrone me. I have managed to put myself on such a high pedal-stool that I continue to think that someone is trying to take my position (A position I don’t even really possess). I fear the worst all the time and yet I am never prepared for when the worst happens. I think that if I build myself up and brace myself then maybe it won’t hurt as much but it always does. The few times when I hate being right.

I always wonder if I’m stressed 24/7 yet I’m so used to it that I can’t even tell. I don’t know what use that information would do for me considering that I have no idea how to relax. I am always on edge yet I have learned to keep a calm composure. My face reads like a slate yet my insides are torn up.

I don’t really have much to say tonight. The motivation has left me suddenly. I’ll try again tomorrow but for tonight this is what I have to say.

New Year, New Me (Probably not)

Cliche title! That’s my new year resolution, to become a cliche. Not really, it’s actually to give up on soda for a year and take better care of myself (mainly with beauty products).

So it’s a been a while since I’ve last made a post so here’s to the first post of 2015! I totally meant to write sooner (honest), but the motivation kinda went away. My best writing and ideas come at around 1-2 am when I’m sleep deprived. But I’m too lazy to write so there goes that hope. At this hour I am filled with so much emotion I can barely contain. My mind races and my stomach becomes a butterfly habitat. Writing is the only thing that makes me calm again. So since the beginning of school I’ve been writing every day (with the exception of breaks) and I think it’s why I sleep so well at night.

BUT before I go into anymore 2015 stuff, lets take a look back at 2014. The year started off with my first New Year’s Eve kiss which I’ve always wanted. I graduated high school, discovered a ton of awesome tracks, got into a very minor car accident (I tapped the bumper and there was ZERO damage done but the lady still complained and jacked up our insurance so that’s great), committed to the University of Oregon and ultimately attended in September. I made this little blog you are reading here and the staff posted a prompt that I had made about the 7 deadly sins (Still a highlight), I experienced what it truly felt like to miss someone, realized just how great private bathrooms are, signed the lease to my new apartment for next year, and before the year vowed I was going to make this year different.

This year is all about doing what makes me feel good, saying what needs to be said, and taking time out of my day to just listen to the words of songs. I’ve gone to the gym already (the school did a complete remodel and it is unbelievable), stayed true to my no soda policy, and I’ve started expressing how I really feel about subjects. OH and have an internship for an environmental magazine! So far so good (and okay). This term the teachers seem really nice and I’m confident I’ll do well. Trying to stay positive

But can I be real for a moment? Love is a battle. I thought I would be immune to it and thought I had the skills to make any situation better but I was wrong. No amount of fake fights, that I made up in my mind, could prepare me for the real battle. I’ve been watching too much Office and seeing Jim and Pam have problems scared me because it made me realize that life is not some TV show where the perfect characters never fight and are happy 24/7. Even people who are meant for each other can have their ups and downs. I feel a little defeated and just the fact there is nothing I can do from afar just really gets to me. I’m the controlling type, I like to make things work out so I don’t end up broken hearted anymore. However, when I thought I was helping I just ended up making things worse and I think I need a break. I just need to not say anything for a while and wait for time to fix my mess like it always does. I’m just mad at myself. I don’t know…it’s out of my hands at this point and I’m not going to make the moves anymore and just sit back. Sit back and just breath and learn to be easy again. So I may do some yoga and soul searching, hopefully I come out better.