All posts by Andrea Gardner

The Dangers of Internalizing Emotions

First off, I know it’s been a while! And I say this every single time I write but it’s my blog and I can do whatever I want. Secondly, shout out to the guy that said he wanted a follow up to my Passangers review, gonna be honest say that’s probably not going to happen cause too much time has passed since I’ve seen the movie and I really don’t want to watch it again.

So tonight, I got rejected. Rejection happens to everyone (yes, including me. Who could resist me!). I had gone a date with this person and said we should have a second date. At the time she agreed so I tried to set up a dinner date (where I would cook) and in return I got a message saying she wasn’t feeling the whole dating thing and she hopes everything in my life goes well. Lovely message, pretty civil. My heart sank when I read it. I had already planned the night in my head and to hear that it wasn’t going to happen shocked my world. How could someone I barely know (who barely knows me) reject my awesome dinner idea? She wasn’t going to the plan I had already set out for her. She wasn’t following the script! Please be aware of the sarcasm. After a long conversation with my parents I realized some stuff…

First off, it is okay to be sad that something didn’t work out with someone even if you didn’t really know them. I was sad from the expectations and not her. Secondly, you should recognize a blessing in disguise. I was so determined to make this work (I’ll explain why I was trying so hard later) that I totally missed red flags. I missed the fact that she flaked on me at one point without an explanation and wouldn’t give me an explanation until I asked. I missed that we very much didn’t have much in common to begin with (she was really hot, so I was kinda blind to this fact). I missed the fact that she had just gotten out a serious relationship not too long ago. And I missed the biggest red flag of all, when she wanted to have sex and I told her “No” she then wanted to go home. That last should conjure an audible gasp that I would allow something like that slide. I was desperate to be in an intimate relationship and having a nice face alone sold it for me. But why was I so desperate?

Well here comes the explanation about why I was so determined to make things work. Let’s go back one layer, I was dumped over the summer. It was only a four month relationship but I refused to cry over the loss of this person. I’m graduating college rather soon (like in 2 months) and I don’t have a secure job set. Last year, I was forced to cut off contact with an ex who I had been in a relationship with for 2 years. What does all this have to do with the other? I have refused to process anything that was going on these situations. I quickly tried to move on with my ex of 2 years, I quickly tried to move on with my ex of 4 months, I quickly tried to create structure in my life knowing my future is very uncertain in the coming months. I internalized everything and have essentially been screwing myself over trying to make up for all the things I haven’t processed.

I can physically feel my life losing control, day by day and I am desperate to find stability again. I want stability like I had in my 2 year relationship to the point where I am trying to push my other relationships forward at lightening speed in order to get that feeling of security back. I am trying to rush a job that I am not even sure I really want so I can have security in my future. I tried to rush through college so I could have stability in a career I didn’t even have yet. I am facing rejection left and right because people can sense my intensity. This is a shitty feeling.

I mean, I do understand that I am not all at fault with the relationship aspect of my problems. People have their own rights and can whatever they want and if having dinner at someone’s house is too intimate for you then I can’t help you (who gives up free food? I mean have your priorities set!). But this stems from my perfectionist personality and desires to be in control of everything. I am coming to realize that I have no control over anything and it’s difficult. I cursed the entire month of September as being bad luck because I faced so much rejection and uncertainty; now that I am in October, and these problems keep arising, I have to come to the realization that months are not autonomous and that these things that keep happening over and over can be self-inflicted.

So now I have a new self project – going back to square one and understanding the world will work the way it needs to and I don’t have control over that. It’s time I take (another) step back from dating and reassess my goals and priorities. It’s time I allow myself closure for things that will never truly have an end. It’s time I process my emotions and allow myself to feel them. Finally, it’s time for me to relax and trust the process. No more rushing into things or chasing time. My goals are to take a step back from social media, take a step back from dating, rediscover hobbies (or develop new ones), focus on friendships, make peace with my past, find excitement in my future (rather than dread), and accept the things that are out of my control. I must work toward building my confidence again to the point where rejection doesn’t give me into an epiphany where I’m forced to write down my feelings in order to sleep tonight. Rejection happens to everyone and it will continue to happen, but I am proud of how I directly responded to it. I am proud of myself for getting to where I am at and I am already proud of where I will be. I just have to remember that I am worth more and deserve better (something an ex said to me which I know understand fully).

If you feel like you are internalizing things or notice you keep making the same mistake then step back and ask why. Ask yourself what you want and where you are going and don’t be afraid to go for it. I want a real relationship and I will not settle with the hook-up culture around me. What do you want?

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New Year, New Me(probably not) Revisited

Two years (almost to the date) I wrote about my new years resolutions and what had happened in 2014. It is surreal to go back and read myself again. I sounded so naive and innocent yet hopeful. I look back on that time and I feel negative energy yet reading my writing actually made me miss the way I used to be. Maybe I was writing from a censored point of view since my ex would read my writings. What I wrote and how I felt certainly didn’t match up because I was actually miserable in my relationship at the time. So I feel it’s only right for me to recap again so that I may come back to this blog in another two years and talk about how naive and innocent I am in this moment.

2015, all i can remember from that year was the complete downward spiral into depression and my first big break up. It killed me. From August to December I was all over the place emotionally. It’s a shame, in retrospect, that I let someone like that take away my happiness for so long and cause me to associate that time of my life with bad memories. Although I did start to date other people and, honestly, that break up ultimately liberated me. I am glad I went through it and I just wish I could go back in time and tell my former self that the pain I am feeling isn’t real that you will learn to be happy again without being in a relationship (it just may take a couple more bad relationships to accept this).

2016, started out rough and I ended up celebrating a club for 18+. It was okay, but it idk it just didn’t feel right for me yet. All of 2016 was a rollercoaster. I had to completely cut off ties with my ex and I started the long hard journey to self-discovery. I really wanted to work on myself so I had to take the first steps. This led me to an incredible internship with the video production team for my university and I get to film and work with the Pac-12 broadcast team and be on the field and court for sporting events. On top of that I decided I was going to focus on friends instead of relationships and I am actually having connections with people on a platonic level for the first time in a long time.

I actually want to go out and have fun now, I want to invite people over to watch movies, I want to talk to people instead of sit in my room and wait for my life to get better. I’m actually making my life better. I told myself in 2015 I was going to work on myself and in 2017 I am entering the new year, having felt like I am actually completing that promise.

I can’t say that I feel like my old self again. I don’t want to feel like the way I did before. I was angry, miserable, alone, and I didn’t know how to articulate my thoughts properly. I didn’t want to admit that I couldn’t do life on my own and I still struggle with that. I still feel lonely and I do still think being in a relationship will enrich my life but I know that in the moments where I am being tested the most is the moments that I need to remember. I may be sitting in my room without a call or text from a friend, but I know that this is only a passing moment.

I don’t claim to be completely healed or in the right mindset all the time. Hell, I don’t even claim to really believe in the words I wrote above, but I have to say them. I have to keep setting goals for myself. I have to write words that I feel uncomfortable writing because that lets me know what I need to work on. I got the ball rolling and I don’t want it to stop. And I believe in that.

Passengers (The Movie): A Review Part 1

To start off a happy new year to everyone in 2017!

Now to start off I would like to say what my official title of this piece will be since I’m sure it won’t fit: Passengers (The Movie): A Review on Why This Movie Made Me Uncomfortable. As you can tell there will be SPOILERS.

If you have read any other reviews on the movie you can tell that it kind of fell short of some’s expectations. What looked like a cool sci-fi flick that would delve into the madness of isolation and space exploration turned more into a non-consensual love story. It was non-consensual for the characters in the story and for the audience members because I felt I had not signed up for this movie when I agreed to pay my price.

The story is set up as so: Chris Pratt plays a mechanic aboard a spaceship that is transporting 5,000 passengers to a new planet to start a new civilization. Like all movies set in the future the usual cause for this is that Earth has become overpopulated, dirty, and everyone is a hipster so they are totally over it.

This magical journey is supposed to take 120 years; however, an asteroid comes crashing into the ship like the patriarchy. It causes tiny problems that eventually add up to big problems, and a woman is going to eventually solve the problems while a man takes credit for it. One of these problems is the autopilot operating system malfunctioning and awakening Chris Pratt with 90 years to spare.

As you can tell I forgot Pratt’s character’s name, and for good reason. To be honest, it wouldn’t matter if the character had a Pratt’s name or his own because the whole movie was Chris Pratt pretending to play a different personality when he isn’t really.

Here’s where the trailer kinda leaves us and while watching the film I kept wondering at what point was Jennifer Lawrence’s character (Aurora) going to wake up. If anyone has seen Sleeping Beauty you can see the obvious, slap-in-the-face, nod toward that story by literally naming JLaw’s character after sleeping beauty. If you know where I’m going (please tell me you do) you can guess what happens next.

After a year aboard the ship, alone, Pratt has exhausted all the fun things he can do on the ship and has basically done everything imaginable to try to wake up the sleeping crew (they are behind impenetrable doors). He is left depressed and suicidal. The only companion he has had is a robot bartender named Arthur (played by Michael Sheen).

As Pratt literally stands staring death in the face, he steps back into reality and chooses to live. Stumbling back to the center of the ship he comes across Aurora’s pod. Immediately smitten by her face and knowing nothing else of her he decides he’s in love because the plot calls for more material to be added.

Being alone on the ship for over a year has done a lot to Pratt and one man can only rub it out for so long before he becomes raw so you can probably tell what happens next. After much “turmoil” and mulling it over in his mind for what is perceived to be months…

HE WAKES HER UP. Oh! did I mention that once you awaken from the sleeping pod that you can’t be put back to sleep? I didn’t? Well that what happens!

I should clarify, Pratt didn’t wake her simply because he likes her face, no, he stalked her profile in the ship’s passenger database and listened to talk about herself and read some of her writing (cause she’s a writer).

Well she wakes up and meets Jim (I finally looked up his name in the movie, it’s Jim). He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it anymore obvious? Yeah they fall in love, he doesn’t tell her that he woke her up, and then after a year of floating through CGI Space Hell™ Jim is ready to propose.

But that would be too easy and by this point in the movie I was yawning from the stereotypical heterosexuality in front of my eyes. I almost forgot I was watching a sci-fi film and thought it was a Disney movie, especially since, again, the main girl is named AFTER A DISNEY CHARACTER. Well, Aurora finds out and, understandably, she is pissed. Like really pissed. She avoids Jim and runs around the ship trying to get away from him. They share time with Arthur the robot bartender like he’s a child and they are in the middle of a custody battle. I can only imagine the awful things they said to Arthur about the other in an effort to try to sway his opinion like any parent does in the midst of a divorce (fingers crossed for bonus content of this).

Fast forward to the ship continuing to break down cause there is a fucking meteor in the power source and Jim never once questioned if something technical with the ship had gone wrong in order for him to wake up too early. Magically we have another pod malfunction and what luck! it’s the captain! Laurence Fishburne to the rescue! The captain is woken up for one soul purpose of giving dues ex machina. Seriously, that is the only thing he is there for because he wakes up, lets the two wacky duo know that the ship is breaking and he has the access code to every room left on the ship, then he dies. The one minority that appears in this already too long movie wakes up and dies. It’s almost like the casting director hired Fishburne and muttered under his breath: “That will show that we are accepting…”

Aurora is still pissed, but they gotta save the ship from being destroyed so they put their differences aside and save the day. I just love when movies with drama are so predictable that even when the climax is happening and there is a moment of “this character might die” you don’t fret because it’s going to have a story book ending.

Of course all characters (except the black guy) are fine in the end, even Arthur the lovable sassy robot bartender makes it out just fine. Aurora falls in love with Jim again and they live happily ever after.

Part 2 is going to explore my actual analysis of the story, I didn’t expect the summary to be so long…

When You’ve Had Enough

One of the best pieces of advice that my father has ever said to me is: ” People change when they are sick and tired of being sick and tired.”

I heard this being said to me for years and it would just go through one ear and out the other because I never knew what that felt like. People talk about rock bottom but I’ve hit it in the past and still continued doing the same things I was doing. I now know what he’s talking about. After getting my heartbroken for the umpteenth time and realizing that my 21st birthday is quickly approaching yet I don’t have anyone in my mind that I would celebrate this day with, I knew I was sick and tired of feeling this way.

The way I had been living my life wasn’t working for me anymore. I took a step back and assessed the damage that I had caused. I had managed to all but alienate myself from friendships, terrified of socializing (as a consequence to the no friends situation), forgetting to take my vitamins therefore I was in poor health, and valued having a romantic relationship rather than my own family (or health for that matter). The only things I had to show for it were good grades but was it really worth? Sure, my alienation produced good things like the fact that I feel like I know myself better than most and I motivated myself to get the internship of a lifetime (plus the good grades aren’t that bad), but what I had managed to succeed in in my school and work life, I had completely failed in my social life.

When I realized that I was sitting at home again watching people on Facebook and Snapchat having a ton of fun on the weekend and I was sitting in my bed all day, I had had enough. I was going to change my life around and that’s what I’ve been doing. It’s been a slow process and every little step counts but I honestly feel better. I started taking vitamins regularly, have started caring about making meaningful friendships first (before looking into a relationship), and even though it’s another weekend where I’m home watching people have fun I know that I am closer now than I was last month to living the life I know I deserve. I deserve to have good friends and to have fun. I’ve worked hard enough and I’m sick and tired of feeling lonely when there are potential friends around me all the time. The new school year hasn’t started yet but I’m going to make it a goal to make new friends (and actually care about them). It’s going to be conscious at first but after awhile it will become natural (and hopefully I’ll get over my fear of rejection).

Nothing worth having is easy. Happiness is worth having and it may not come easily or as quickly as I’d like but I know it’s going to happen for me. It’s already started, now it’s time to ignite this spark!

Overcast Summer Days

I am very in tune with the weather. I am one of those people who’s mood is affected by the weather. The effects are never immediate but consistent days do take their course on me. Rainy days make me depressed, sunny days make me happy, cloudy days make me nostalgic; however, overcast days are the outlier in my equation.

There are two kinds of overcast, cold days and warm days. Now the cold ones are grouped together with the cloudy day category, but the hot days are their own unique day. They are rare days, I maybe experience them a handful of times a year but every time they occur they stand out in my mind. Today is an overcast hot day.

What experience during this time can only be described as surreal. My perception of time is warped to where I feel time has slowed down. It is currently 8 pm and I feel like I have lived through this hour multiple times today. Normally in the day you can tell what time it is without a clock but with overcast every hour is the same. Suddenly time loses it’s purpose and morning, afternoon, and late afternoon are lumped together. The only time you notice a change in your day is when night arrives cause at least you have some grasp of what time it is. Seeing a numerical value put to the time of day just puts into emphasis how time is a social construction. But playing along with the concept of time I would have to say that an overcast summer day feels like a 2pm on a Wednesday.

As for how it affects my personality, well I get bored. When I get bored I think, a lot and deeply. I do not hide the fact that I think into my relationships too much and I will overanalyze every element until every action has essentially lost meaning and I am forced to ask philosophical questions like: “What does a lack of eye contact mean?” The only thing that stops this from happening on a regular basis is the fact that I am too busy to think that deeply, I am constantly doing something to change my thoughts. But with boredom added into the equation (and the occasional procrastination stress) i create the perfect atmosphere for me to psycho-analyze every minute detail with every interaction I’ve ever had with someone to try to see if I missed any red flags.

Now to some this may seem like insanity and I guess it is a little crazy but this is how I operate. I have always been this way. I hone in on people’s personalities because I figure if I can know their every mood then I can predict their wills and desires before it’s even said. I know this is possible but it’s something that takes time and a lot of quality time together, but I’m in impatient and essentially try to fit in 5 years worth of knowledge in 5 weeks. I never do learn. I do view this as a weakness and knowing my own weaknesses and anxieties does help me from messing with my life. I can prevent myself from doing stupid things by recognizing when I’m overthinking something. My rule is if I want to ask a “risky” question (one that may change my dynamic with someone) then I wait three days to ask it. If after three days it’s still on my mind and I haven’t a clue what the answer is then I ask it, but if I’m not thinking about the question well then it was just an anxiety and I saved myself possible grief.

I do admit that I have anxiety (especially relationship anxiety) and it’s just something I live with and try to cope with in the hopes that they will subside one day. Some of them have lessened over time so I know it’s working. But I digress. Now you know why I hate overcast hot days, time is warped and I get bored. Sounds simple enough but I’ve always learned that nothing is as it seems.

New Series coming this June 2016

Been a long time but yes, I am still alive. And no, my grammar has not improved much. This summer I want to try something to keep busy and focused.

Presenting: A series on what it’s like being a queer person living on their own for the first time!

Well technically I’ve been on my own for the whole school year, but this time it’s for the summer so I’m assuming it’s going to be different. If not then I’ll blog about how life is no different in the summer and how music lies to you about that idea. But this will be great! There’s gonna be heartbreak, adventures, food, how to be queer advice, the gradual decline of my sanity as I try to survive summer school, philosophical thoughts, questions with no answers, emotions, etc. You get the picture.

This will focus heavily on lesbianism so if that isn’t your thing then skim over those parts cause what I have to say is still relevant to everyone. If that is your thing then hey! welcome to the club. A lot of these things I’ve been having to figure out on my own cause my situations are never exactly perfect. I make negotiations and compromises that get me into trouble and then I need to dig myself out of the hole; so, if I can help at least one person who is similar to me then I’ll consider this a win!

I will try to update every one or two weeks. Posts will begin the first week of June. Until then…Ciao!

Transporting to a paradise

I have not written in a while. It seems like I only come here to purge rather than offer any profound insight into anything. This blog has turned into a last resort for when I have nowhere else to go.

There’s something oddly comforting knowing that my words are public. I could end up embarrassing myself on here but that’s not something I really worry about. This is a safe space for me to figure out what’s going through my mind.

What’s going through my mind?

Well first I’ve found a gorgeous song titled Fantasy by Alina Baraz. The only way I can describe what this song does to me is it sends me to the paradise that I didn’t know was tucked away in my head. The amount of good vibes I feel is incredible and it made me realize I wasn’t that happy until I actually felt bliss. The singer’s voice sounds like what I imagine teal and gold would sound like if they were transformed into music. Does that make sense? I sometimes imagine what colors and combinations would sound like; it’s something that I didn’t know that I did until I heard certain songs and imagined color combinations. The song evokes the image a roman paradise with teal water, gold robes and trinkets, with a vibrant sky filled with purples and green undertones. The amount of analysis I put into the song may be a little ridiculous but finding that one song that sends chills down your spine is a rarity. I’ve listened to such a depth that I can actually hear the paradise within the song. Soft whispers of birds chirping, the gentle roar of waves crashing against the sand, pure bliss. The moment the song starts you realize you are no longer in your surroundings, you have been transported to another land where your problems just don’t matter. I’d love to share this vision with someone.

Why I like the song is because it takes me away from my reality. It’s not that my reality is bad (better than most), but I still want the stress to be released and the harmful thoughts to silence themselves. I’m not going to go into depth about what is driving me up the wall, all I know is that the littlest things can be blown out of proportion.

I’m a thinker and a problem-solver and a strategist, big time. I try to figure out my next three moves before it’s even my turn. This generally translates into: You did something a little out of character and now I’m going to analyze every minute detail until I come to the conclusion that you hate me. I find it interesting that my mind never allows for things to end on a happy note, someone is always out to get me. Someone is always looking to dethrone me. I have managed to put myself on such a high pedal-stool that I continue to think that someone is trying to take my position (A position I don’t even really possess). I fear the worst all the time and yet I am never prepared for when the worst happens. I think that if I build myself up and brace myself then maybe it won’t hurt as much but it always does. The few times when I hate being right.

I always wonder if I’m stressed 24/7 yet I’m so used to it that I can’t even tell. I don’t know what use that information would do for me considering that I have no idea how to relax. I am always on edge yet I have learned to keep a calm composure. My face reads like a slate yet my insides are torn up.

I don’t really have much to say tonight. The motivation has left me suddenly. I’ll try again tomorrow but for tonight this is what I have to say.