There are a lot of common themes I’ve noticed about myself (and have been reflected in my writing): escapism, anxiety, and fear.
I written about these three things before but I’m going to combine them in this special late night anxiety filled post.
It’s almost midnight, I have class in the morning (a quiz to be specific) and I tried to rest my head but all that happened was the usual butterflies and racing thoughts. There are always tell tale signs that you’re about to have a rough night and the pit in your stomach along with the rest mind are usually the symptoms. Why mine are present is because I just noticed a pattern I do. I escape from reality whenever I don’t want to face my reality. What am I escaping? The fact that I’m in an unfamiliar place, alone, friendless, and the fear that I’ve made a huge mistake coming to this university.
It’s a little over a week and half since I’ve been here and I’m expecting so much. Everyone talks about the “college experience”, but all that’s happened to me is watching everyone else around me make friends and go out and have fun. How do you make friends in college? Clubs have only just started up and I’ve gone to one club meeting for photojournalism and I didn’t feel like I belonged. All I want is just a friend (besides my roommate) who I can eat with, go out on the weekends with, workout with, talk with, just make this transition a little less lonely for me. I know I’m trouble because long ago I used to make up fantasy worlds and day dream my life away. I figured reality wasn’t good enough so I was going to make the life I envisioned for myself and I did just that. Popped in my headphones and I was miles away from my current situation. I was stuck in this world for hours and I just wasted the days away like hoping that one day something or someone would show me reality could be worth it. I escaped because at least in my mind I had friends, people who always wanted me around, and the dream career. I became so caught up in this world that I even created drama to make it seem as real as possible and boy did it work! After just a few months of doing this I lost touch with reality. My everyday life just seemed like one long commercial but my fantasy world was the feature presentation. I would wait all day to get away and it sort of became an addiction. It got so bad that I would escape earlier and earlier until I woke up in my fantasy world and stayed in that state all day. It’s no surprise that I can’t remember what happened in real life in that part of my life, it’s a wonder that I was even able to do homework.
It’s not that my life was really bad or anything it’s just that it wasn’t like the TV shows. I compared myself to scripts because I thought that was what the average person went through. If I didn’t match up then I felt inadequate and figured if I couldn’t live the dream life then I was going to make up the dream life and live there instead. I loved it there. I had a partner (I always envisioned her as a dark mass because I didn’t want to set standards for my real future partner. I didn’t even give her a name), I had a job I loved (Movie industry), awesome friends that invited me to parties (celebrities), and a wonderful home (house upon a hill that had a stunning view of the city below, or ocean [depended on my mood]). They always waited for me to return and were welcoming when I did. This was really unhealthy but I didn’t care it was better than my boring old life. The funny thing was, the only thing that took me away from that world to this one was when my real life became so hectic and dramatic that it blew any drama, that I had created in my fantasy life, away.
If you can’t tell by now I’m a dramatic girl. I need crazy. I need stimulation. If my life falls into a routine I lose my mind (this has been proven). It’s not something I do conscientiously that’s just how I am. I mean I’ve gotten a lot better than what I used to do (purposely create drama). But the reason I brought up this long story is because I feel myself falling into that state again. It’s not something I was looking for but I just noticed it happening tonight. I have been into fanfic lately because my show is on hiatus currently and because I’ve been missing my girlfriend and my otp reminds me of us. It’s a coping mechanism. But tonight, I got so wrapped up in what I was reading that I forgot where I was, who I was, all that mattered were the words on my computer. When I was snapped back I felt so empty inside… I thought back and realized I have been escaping into my thoughts again, but with little scenarios and stuff, nothing too big… yet. This worries me because I don’t want to revert back to my old ways. I had to take a good look as to why I do this and it’s simple, coping mechanism. I can’t cope with the reality that I’m in college and friendless and now an adult. I realized something wasn’t right when my sense of reality was off. It wasn’t hitting me that I was in college and I found that strange. It isn’t hitting me that now I have to do things for myself. It isn’t hitting me that friends won’t fall into my lap like they usually do, I have to actually be social. Nothing was hitting me because I had a firewall up blocking any feeling other than surrealism. I was waking up in tunnel vision and riding my bike with one goal in mind, get to class. All I ever think about is get to my next class, eat, then home. And I did just that! I’m so used to the structured life that schools teach you that when I was thrown into an environment that had no structure I just went into autopilot. I did what I knew and hoped things would work themselves out later.
Oh fear! I forgot to talk about that, I fear I have enrolled into the wrong college. I think this because I’m not fitting in with the people here yet. I haven’t found my click and aside from the fact that the people here are really nice, the weather has been pleasant, and there’s plenty to do if you look, I still feel trapped. I think I’m getting cabin fever from being in my dorm, but I get the sense that there isn’t any life outside of school for some reason. If I were to envision a map of the area all I would put on it is the school. I kinda regret not choosing a school with a big city nearby but then again I had the option and something about Oregon drew me here. The academics and people are fine, it’s just me…The saying does go, everywhere you go there you are. Well here I am, now what?