Hey! guess who decided to eat ice cream when she knew it was going to keep her awake? yep, this chick.
My thoughts are keeping me awake and I’m trying to type lightly so my roommate doesn’t wake up and yell at me. Of course, part of the reason I’m awake is because she as snoring but…
I kinda like how we have this respected silent agreement not to ask each other’s tumblr names cause if she found mine that would lead to my WordPress and that would’t be good.
Let’s talk about crushes for a minute because a friend of mine confided in me about a crush she had and that’s been on my mind lately. And maybe I’ll bitch about the wonders of having a roommate.
So this friend says she’s in love with someone who can never reciprocate that love and it’s got me thinking…what’s the difference between a really bad crush or falling in love with someone? I’ve done it before. I claimed that my coming out girl crush was actually me in love with my best friend, but even today I still debate on whether or not it was love or infatuation. I cared about this girl and would put my life on the line for her at the time, but much of my love was selfish. I never wanted her to be happy with anyone else but me. I purposely sabotaged her relationships so she would be single and hopefully settle to date me. No it wasn’t love, I wasn’t in love…I was in love with the idea of being in love. She was clearly toxic for me and yet I ignored that in the hopes that she would be my first kiss. 8th grade me saw that if I didn’t get kissed now no one would ever want me. yeah, times were simpler…and it was that mindset that caused me to kiss the first guy that offered and I regret it…
I’ve got to say though when she rejected my feelings I physically felt my heartbreak. Not only did I get rejected and have my self-esteem crushed, I just lost my best friend and was going to another school where I didn’t know anyone. A lot was happening that summer and being alone didn’t help. I cried day and night over her, I cried in the closet (no joke), I took soul searching walks, pondered the meaning of life. I was a deep 8th grader. And to this day I still wonder if that was my first heartbreak. The saying goes that your first heartbreak is always the worst and I gotta say that was pretty bad. Even listening to some of the songs I played during that time in my life I can still imagine myself crying my self to sleep with an empty feeling inside of me. My parents noticed this change and when I finally asked why am I crying over her so hard they said something I’ll never forget. It hurts because there was no closure. And that sentence actually helped me. It all suddenly made sense. It’s like an unfinished math problem, or test. We never got to end on a positive note, or fade away from each other, it just ended abruptly. And to this day any type of relationship that I find myself thinking about is because there was no formal closure. It just stopped and it hurts. It’s like being ignored, no one likes that feeling because in an instant someone has made you feel like you don’t matter.
I mean I’m sure there was some hints of love in my actions for this girl (for God’s sake, I cried in the middle of class because she wasn’t talking to me and had to leave school on several occasions because I was so emotionally unstable), but compared to what I have now, it doesn’t compare. I can now decipher love from infatuation because I’ve felt the difference. And if what I’m feeling for my current girlfriend now isn’t love then I say fuck you. I don’t need your definitions to describe the words in my heart.
Why I’m thinking so much about my friend is for a couple of reasons, what she’s going through reminds me of myself, and I like talking about homosexual issues because I’m so sick and tired of hearing about heterosexual problems. Like I get really excited about sexuality because I see how fluid it is in people. Sexuality is of human construction. Straight and gay do not exist. No one person can be one way all the time. You can like men but also find yourself emotionally or intellectually attracted to women and vice versa. For me personally, I don’t hate men (at times I even wish I was one), I wish I had guy friends. Hell I can even appreciate a nice male body. But the fact of the matter is, I could never be sexual with one, or emotionally attached because I don’t care about men in a romantic way. Chemicals in my brain just won’t allow for it. Trust me, I kissed a guy before and was immediately filled with malice for some reason, I physically can not handle it. But sexuality flows within us, they are not concrete walls that say STRAIGHT or GAY. It’s a river that says homoromantic, but heterosexual, or biromantic and homosexual, or even homoromatic but asexual. You can be whatever sexuality you want to be and you don’t have to conform to the traditional labels and I think that’s beautiful. AND BEFORE I GET CHEWED OUT I’M JUST GOING TO NAME OFF ALL THE SEXUAL ORIENTATIONS SO NO ONE FEELS LEFT OUT: Homosexual, Bisexual, Pansexual, Asexual, Queer, Transgendered, Demisexual, Heterosexual, Genderqueer, Androgynous, and Fucking Questioning. So yeah, I like talking to people who don’t fit in with the social norms.
It’s now 1:42 AM so I’m going to go to bed, byeeee