Trust. It’s crucial for sustaining any type of relationship, whether it be romantic, friendship, family, even yourself.
I’ve always had problems with it, I trusted the wrong people and it came back to bite me in the ass later. I’m the type of person who learns from her mistakes the first time; this could either be seen as good or bad depending on the situation. I heard this saying once in 6th grade (details may be a bit off but you’ll get the gist): Smart people learn from their mistakes, but wise people learn from other’s mistakes. I found this profound at the time because I thought nothing was more important than being seen as wise at a young age. I was called smart all throughout elementary school so I felt I needed to be up to those standards through grades. This didn’t work out though when I got a D on a history test and my confidence fell. I thought maybe being funny was more important so I became the class clown after that (the competitive side of me though still tried to be smarter than anyone else in the class. SIDE STORY. In 4th grade we had multiplication tests that were timed. They went from 1 all the way to doing the 12 multiplication tables. You could only move on to the next set of numbers if you passed the ones you were on with 100%. I wanted to be the first in the class to reach the 12s but so did this other boy so every time we had a timed test we battled it out to be the first. Long story short, we both reached the 12s at the same time and both passed at the same time. No one won but LET ME JUST POINT OUT THAT I IN FACT FINISHED MY TEST FIRST THEREFORE MAKING ME THE WINNER but moving on.) So after class clown I found no one took you seriously so in 6th grade I decided being wise and all knowing was my new life goal.
Tying this all together…I found that if I observed other’s mistakes I wouldn’t make any. Hence, I adopted a perfective personality. As you can tell, trying to make no mistakes proved to be near impossible so I decided that if I was going to make mistakes I would only let them happen once and never again. This was all fine and dandy but over time I became a private person and so when things happened I didn’t talk to anyone about them so the feelings just filled up inside of me. Middle school is a difficult time for everyone especially when you’re doing it alone and with all the things happening to me physically and emotionally I turned to anger to try to express myself. I never lashed out (at first) I only made mean jokes and occasionally playfully hit my friends when they said or did something I didn’t like. 8th grade I had lost pretty much all my friends except one and I was crushing on that last friend pretty hard so things got complicated. I went throughout that year alone and confused which only lead to more wrath within me. Promises were made and broken from both parties and harsh words were exchanged. I walked into high school as a 9th grader alone. Long story short, I snapped. And I don’t mean mental breakdown in class (that came after) I mean I physically felt my brain switch off and I went into a fit of pure, unadulterated rage (I threatened to kill someone in front of the whole school). I couldn’t stop myself from saying the things I did, I couldn’t stop myself from going the places I did, I couldn’t stop and it was the scariest feeling I had ever felt. I stepped out of my body and watched myself do things I wish I could take back, but the weirdest part was as I was grabbing a guy by the throat and threatening his life I felt calm. A wave of ecstasy washed over me and I finally felt free…the rest of what happened after is a different post coming soon that will be titled THINGS ANDREA REGRETS (title subject to change)
Where I was going with that story is when that incident happened I no longer trusted myself. I felt unstable and I felt I couldn’t let anyone into, what I viewed myself as, the lion cage. I had a clean slate after years of pent up emotion, but I was too afraid to do anything with it. I didn’t know if I would snap ever again, I didn’t know if someone would do that to me. I couldn’t trust anyone in this world. Even after I switched schools (i moved it wasn’t because of what I had done) I was afraid of letting anyone into my mind. I thought I knew myself inside and out and to pull something that wasn’t me i wasn’t sure who I was anymore.
From soph year of high school I had to reinvent myself because the old system had failed. I had to rethink my approach to life and people. I had to actually learn about people, their habits, their feelings, their thoughts, their body language. I had to learn how to trust again so I could have fulfilling relationships with people. I had to build confidence, and other values in order to finally feel like a human being again.
I still ask myself “what would you do in this scenario?” and I try to really think about how I would react to certain things…the thing is I never know. My final answer is always “I don’t know,” because you can’t possible know how you’re going to react to something that hasn’t happened to you before. You can’t set a script for things as if life is a movie because you can’t predict people. You can’t even predict yourself. That just reminds me of a saying: If you want to make God laugh, tell him/her your plans for the day. You never know what little treasures life holds for you. You never know…