On to the real reason why I felt it necessary to wake up in the middle of the night and write. Always wanted to say this…
We now return to your regularly scheduled broadcast.
Just so you know, the purpose of this blog was sorta an open diary for me. I like to look back at my writings and relive the emotion that I felt at the time of my writings. I try so hard to put my emotions in words so it can act as a snapshot of the very moment I’m living. I like to think it’s a normal thing; we like to take pictures so we can relive the moment, why not write to relive the reaction.
Boy, I sure do use feeling and emotion a lot, typical for a girl to talk about her fee Again, I’m stalling. Whenever I don’t feel like facing the truth I try to stall, even myself sometimes. lings…
Have you ever heard the Serenity Prayer?
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
The courage to change the things I can,
And the wisdom to know the difference.
This always relates to me because I like to fix things. I like to change people, myself, a task, anything really, especially a situation. Sometimes I dig myself into these pits and then I like to help myself out of it and try to refill the hole. The hole is filled but it doesn’t look like how it used to. That’s my problem, right there. I see the hole isn’t the same but I keep working and picking at it but it doesn’t get any better. I like to try to fix things that aren’t broken and when I realize my mistake I break it even more when I shouldn’t have messed with it in the first place.
I have this dream of being able to turn someone’s life around with a single phrase. You know how in the movies the protagonist tells a character, whose life is going downhill, something so astounding that the troubled character turns their life around instantly. I want to be the person that delivers a blow like that. I don’t exactly mean blow in a negative way, but in a way that produces positive change.
The hero, basically. I want to be the hero. Who doesn’t? Everyone wants to feel important and doing something good for someone else makes you feel important. That’s all I’ve ever wanted in life; to feel needed. I need to have someone who is constantly coming to me for everything. It makes me feel important and like the hero in this person’s life. This is coming a little too vain, but we live in a world where we are told we are insignificant and our life is meaningless. We all want to be celebrities because we want attention. We want to feel important so we can prove those people, who told us that we wouldn’t amount to anything, wrong. And that’s why I like to fix everything. Heroes help people and they don’t fuck up (well if you don’t count all the damage they do to cities..). They dig a hole and they fill it back up and even put grass back over it; I just wanted to do the same.
Everyone loves the hero. No one likes the villain. Although I like the villain. Sometimes I like to think of myself as one of them. I’m in that point of my life where I can either decide to be good and treat people well or be bad and live only for my needs. No one girl should have all that power.
Life is really interesting if you think long and hard about it (ya know, if you have that kind of time like me). We could change it at any moment. I could start a new life instantly. I can destroy the one I’m living right now and start over.
Maybe I’m not a hero or villain. Maybe I’m just the bystander who happens to be where all the action is but never helps out. Maybe I’m the bystander who runs the second they see a situation unfolding. I could be the reporter who gets close but keeps her distance. That’s what growing up is. Figuring out which character you want to be. Do you want to be a main character or a nameless pedestrian. Do you want to fight the fight or be the fruit stand guy who always gets in the way (Don’t be that guy).
That’s what I need to do; find myself. The real me and then live the hell out of that life.