Kodak Moments

Prompt: Most beautiful moment I’ve ever experienced. 

I’m going to break the rules and write about more than one moment. 

The most beautiful anything boils down to one question: ” What is beautiful?” Beauty to me (when talking about my own personal experiences) is feeling like I’m high. When I feel like I’m walking on sunshine and I could blast off into the cosmos to kiss the nebulas. And then there is aesthetics but that could really be nature for me and just seeing a sunset. There’s only been a few times where I could describe feeling the former description and one time feeling the latter description. 

There has always been one culprit to feeling like I’m flying and that’s love. As cliche as it may be there’s a reason why it’s such a cliche and it’s because it’s true. When the chemicals in your brain decide to release certain hormones that make your days brighter, pupils dilate, make you glow, and a new sense of energy. Well that’s what happens when you fall in love but feeling extreme happiness can have the same effect on me too.

November 2012, The first person I ever came out to face to face. My friend, Cheyenne, were just sitting around during our usual free block and just talking like we always did and I can’t remember how the conversation came to sexuality but it some how did and she asked me if I was gay and being the little scardy cat that I was I couldn’t out front say yes I told to grab her phone and go behind a corner where I couldn’t see her (lame I know). I had to text her “yes” and once that was done I felt this sense of being high (for the record I don’t know what it feels like to be high from drugs I’m just imagining that it feels like you’re lifting off the ground). I felt my posture change, I was suddenly sitting up straighter because I didn’t have the weight on my shoulders that caused me to round my back. I was visibly happier, cracking jokes left and right and dancing my way through the halls. I honestly thought I was invincible. I had “told” people in the past but there was a sense of shame behind my written words. This time was different simply because I felt ready. I was ready to start living openly and once I took that step my life really did change around. Not as fast as the movies perceive but a lot faster than I had planned for. Having a wall break down from my own demolition felt empowering and I’ll never forget the feeling ( The Man by Aloe Blacc could best describe the feeling). 

Another time would be when I realized I was in love with girlfriend. I’m not going to dive into details but I had been fighting the feeling for a long time and to finally allow myself to accept my feelings kinda made everything feel like a dream. The moment I did I woke up before my alarm clock and just stared out at my blinds. They had a blue glow behind them and I just stared into the glow. I had had a restless night of sleep and I just said out loud ” Oh my God I love her” and I turned over and buried my face into my pillow with a giant smile. During that time, before I knew of her feelings for me, I would wake up, put some fast music in my ear and just dance. I’d hum in the shower, quickly get dressed (my record in four minutes), run to the car, speed through traffic to school and just sit in the theater foyer and wait for her. Every time the door would open I’d flash up to see if it’s her and I would just scan for her. I’d try to talk to my friends but what came out of my mouth and what I was actually feeling weren’t matching up. I’d mindlessly talk while thinking about her until she walked into the door and then I’d do the lame thing and play it off cool. Sometimes I’d look down and act surprised that she was there even though I just saw that she was walking to the door. I tried to play it cool a lot but once I knew about her feelings for me too…well calm and cool went straight out the door and I became the clumsiest person I’ve ever seen (it was kinda pathetic at times). 

She wrote this prompt for me but in short the most beautiful moments I’ve ever experienced are the ones with you. 

Cheesy, I know. 

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